The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel
by mrgriffingiles
Summary: An overly enthusiastic Nord, an unfortunately long-lived Argonian, and a lying Khajiit embark on numerous misadventures in Skyrim as they work on the most remarkable book to ever have been published in Nirn. ["Inspired" by H2G2 and far too many hours of playing Skyrim.] Image credit goes to ZeniMax (promotional picture for Elder Scrolls Online).
1. Chapter 1

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel  
By Griffin Giles

 **A/N: This is what happens when you play many hours of** ** _Skyrim_** **while listening to** ** _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Primary and Secondary phases_** **radio plays. Of course, I admit that I took a lot of copying (or what some people called "inspiration"), but overall I will try to put my own twist on it. Please read and review. Also, this is for a reason, so I'm not to make any mention about not owning anything, blah, blah, blah. Seriously... [after many tiresome minutes of ranting, the author was severely knocked upside the head with a large and thick book. We apologize for the** **inconvenience** **.]**

 _This is a story about_ _The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel_ _, perhaps the most successful book ever to have come out of the great publishing houses in Cheydinhal. More popular than_ _The Skyrim Guide to Homesteading_ _, better selling than_ _Mixed Unit Tactics_ _, and more controversial than the Lustful Argonian Maid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters:_ _How to Engage a Deadric Prince_ _,_ _The Best Moves for a Deadric Prince_ _, and_ _The Importance of Contraception with a Deadric Prince_ _._

 _To tell the story of the book, the story of the minds behind should be told through the collective insight of a particular long-lived Khajiit and his unfortunately long-lived Argonian frenemy. It is also the story of a young, twenty year old Nord woman with way too much enthusiasm._

Her name is Theradyis Avla and she is five foot five Nede descent with wild red hair and spends way too much time daydreaming about going on quests.

Currently, Theradyis is stuck at work as a barmaid in Helgen. Her employer, Vilod, who makes good use of juniper berries in mead, has allowed her to take a day off since most of the Imperial Legion had gone to do training and thus left the pub mostly empty. Also, to get a break from the overly ambitious woman.

"Don't worry about it Theradyis, I can handle things around here for now. Besides, you nearly scared the daylights out of the Captain this morning." said Vilod.

"I just wanted to impress a military commander with my sneaking ability." commented Theradyis as she placed a small slab of meat against her eye.

"And the Captain nearly took your head off. Look lassie, you've got heart, but you ain't real bright when it comes thinkin' things through. So, I want you to take time out fer a little while and burn off some of that pride before it gets you killed." Vilod finished.

Theradyis wasn't too happy with the proposal, but she couldn't argue. Vilod was right to a degree, she thought to herself. In a slight pout, she left the warm pub and stepped outside to the chilly but sunny world outside. Legion soldiers were everywhere. In the towers, in the castle, on the road. They were entering and leaving the city as fast Theradyis could notice. Ever since the Stormcloaks decided to pull some rather disastrous military moves, such as shouting a High King to death and thinking that racism would endear them to the masses, the Legion had used Helgen as a base.

In all honesty, Theradyis didn't give a load of ice wolf kidneys over the Civil War. As far as she was concerned, it got in the way of her going on a grand adventure. The kind that you'd read about in Breton books. The ones that were obviously made up by some unsuccessful soul who found themselves at the wrong end of a Dwemer crossbow due to a lovely night with a rather beautiful vampiress.

As far as Theradyis was concerned she has quite enough of it. On the other hand, the tips she was given by the soldiers allowed her to save up a great deal of Septims. Enough to buy a house in Solitude if she ever got the nerve to actually quit her job. Plus, there was also the free mead.

In fact, Theradyis had been declared the champion of drinking the most mead in an hour. This was to Vilod's advantage for two reasons. One, the old stock was used up before it went bad. And two, it gathered a lot of customers to watch in awe as the young Nord consumed enough mead to kill a giant. Granted, the hangover the next day required a priest to heal her before the alcohol poisoning could take root.

So, Theradyis went to the small and somewhat rundown hut she lived in next door to the newly designated training ground for the Legion. Only to find a group of Legion engineers eyeing it with morbid intent.

"Okay, so we'll begin demolition in an hour and make way for the new barracks." said the lead engineer.

"Wait one damn minute!" Theradyis yelled as she marched right up to the lead, through the towering engineers. She was short, even for a Nord woman after all.

"Oh, it's you. The barmaid." said the lead, with a sigh.

He was well aware of how troublesome Theradyis was. After all, it was she who was practicing with fire arrows and lit the horse stalls on fire. Of course it was on accident, though the horses weren't all too happy about it. His crew had to not only fight the fire, but also rebuild said stalls three months ago.

"Look, I live here, you can't just tear it down!" Theradyis exclaimed.

"It's not a particular nice shack. The Legion will compensate you. That way you can move to a better place." said the lead as he tried to reason with the Nord.

"I don't care about that. You can't walk up to a person's home and begin tearing it down!"

"Look, you're just going to accept it. The shack had been on notice for the past week. You could have took this up with our Captain and…"

"NO!" yelled the headstrong woman as she sat down in front of her shack.

The group of engineers stood there and simply stared at the stubborn Nord. The new barracks needed to built as a whole division was moving in and all these soldiers will need a place to stay. The Captain wouldn't be back until tomorrow and she will be pissed if she found out no work had been done on the new barracks. However, aside from committing an act of murder, there wasn't much they could do.

It was at this point a seven foot tall, lean, and nearly tan Argonian wearing tattered ebony armor over a faded red cloak walked over to the group of engineers. His name was Tyrannus Rexus, a name he thought would allow him to blend in when he lived in the Imperial City. At least it was pronounceable to the men and mer wandering about the place. Plus, it was a rather fitting name considering he was more dinosaurian than lizard-like. Not that anyone here would know the difference.

Over the past decade, Tyrannus lived in Helgen due to the nice weather and more tolerant attitude toward his kind. About five years ago, he befriended Theradyis out of sympathy for the then poor girl. She had no family, friends, and was determined to be an adventurer.

Which of course put her at odds with the locals, due to her eccentric behaviors. Like greeting people with a hearty, though way too loud Nordic battle cry. If it weren't for the fact that the Nine decided not to give her the Voice, it is safely assumed amongst the locals that all of Nirn would look like a bomb crater.

However, Tyrannus found her fun to be around and thus befriended her. After all, being an unnaturally long-lived Argonian who has done everything since the First Era, such youth and enthusiasm did much to calm the more depressive thoughts that plagued the ol' Raptorfoot.

In a calm and orderly pace, Tyrannus approached the lead engineer and Theradyis.

"Tyrannus! This arsehole want to tear down my home."

The lead simply just looked at the Argonian.

"I see." said the Argonian in low rasp.

"Look, we need to go ahead and get started before the Captain returns, or there's going to be Oblivion to pay for all of us. If you like, we will build you a new house wherever you like Miss." pleaded the lead.

"How about this. Can we assume that she's not leaving." said Tyrannus.

"I guess so." answered the lead.

"Can we also assume, that while she is sitting down there, your crew won't be able to get any work done at all." continued Tyrannus.

"Yes, where are you getting at citizen?"

"Well, I was thinking that since you're not going to be working anytime soon, that maybe I could borrow her for a half-hour and then come right back."

All the engineers piqued up. The lead grew a shaky smile at the thought.

"Sounds reasonable." concurred the lead engineer.

"On the condition, _you_ stayed in her place." requested Tyrannus.

"What?!"

"Yes. You just take her spot while we're at the pub for a half-hour." Tyrannus said to the now confused lead.

After a few seconds, the lead engineer agreed.

"Oh, well. Okay then." said the lead as he took Theradyis's spot.

"One last thing, no knocking her shack down. Understand!" said Tyrannus.

"Perish the thought." said the complacent lead.

"Come on, Theradyis. There's something very, very important I need to talk to you about." Tyrannus said, in a sudden change of mood.

"Wait, wha-!" was all Theradyis could get out before Tyrannus took her by the arm and headed for the pub.

The two friends headed off to the pub without another word as they left the smiling group of engineers.

 _The remarkable book,_ _The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel_ _has become the most widely regarded book in the more relaxed regions of High Rock and Hammerfell. It has surpassed and supplanted the older and more respected work_ _A Traveler's Guide to the Empire_ _in two notable ways: 1) It's easy to read without all the Imperial haughtiness, and 2) It has in large friendly letters the words "_ _ **DON'T PANIC**_ _!" on its cover. Because of this, the book's popularity skyrocketed among wanna-be adventurers who had never left their respective towns and villages due to overbearing mothers. This was of course the idea of one of the greatest philosophers in all of Nirn, M'aiq the Liar. We shall learn more of his wisdom later._

"I still say I should have sat there, Tyrannus. Those bastards will probably tear my house down while we're drinking." lamented Theradyis as she sipped on some mead.

"Well, I wouldn't worry about it. This place is going to be burned to the ground by a world-eating dragon in an hour's time." said Tyrannus bluntly.

"If you say so. Now, what is it you needed to tell me?" asked Theradyis.

"Well, you're opportunity to actually go adventuring has came. You see, I'm writing a book and I wanting to travel again. That way I could get fresh material for the book. So, I figured I'd take you along. Also, as I said, a dragon is coming to razed the place." Tyrannus said, taking a long drink of his mead.

For some reason, the word 'dragon' didn't sound all too threatening to Theradyis. They were just old myths and legends. It wouldn't be the first time the old reptile talked nonsense. It wasn't clear how old he was, but at times Theradyis thought that Tyrannus suffered senility. However, the opportunity that Tyrannus was giving did perk her interest. Finally, she will be able to prove her worth as a Nord and earn her place in Sovngarde.

"Okay, but I have to get my things and let Vilod know. I hope she'll let me have my job back when we return." Theradyis said with increasing excitement.

"I don't think she'll be around to care after we leave." said Tyrannus as he took another drink of his mead.

The last comment made Theradyis shrugged. No telling what that old lizard was thinking. As soon as she left the pub, the excitement got to her. Luckily, she was prepared for this moment. For years, she kept a well stocked, leather pack with all of the things an adventurer needs. Plus, the money she had saved up all this time living in Helgen would come in handy.

Not to mention, she had a decent set of iron armor for protection. In fact she was wearing it as of now. It was enchanted with muffle, allowing her to sneak about. After she got the armor, she began calling herself a 'stealth tank'. Much to the confusion of others as to the meaning of terminology.

Finally, she had the jewel of her gear. A weapon she considered to be the pinnacle of power and the envy of the great Nord heros. A reworked, but rather heavy giant's club. Marie was certainly strong enough to lift it with ease. Wielding it on the other hand was another matter.

The balance was off due to the handle being cut down to better fit in human's hands without compensating for this in the hammerhead. This wasn't a mistake on the smith's part, but rather Theradyis's mistaken belief that the hammerhead would be more powerful intact. Her insistence on this idea nearly drove the poor smith mad. In the end, with physics and feather enchantments out the window, Theradyis had her clumsy, barely used club.

Theradyis quickly ran back to her shack. The engineers were still standing there and the lead was still sitting in front of the shack. It had only been five minutes since Theradyis and Tyrannus left. The crew had decided to wait about fifthteen minutes before starting work. That way, they make sure that it would be far too late for the young Nord to retaliate. Their shock was evident when they saw Theradyis walk right up to the shack.

However, she didn't say a word as she went inside briefly. As she exited, with the large pack on her back and a awkward grip on her giant's club. Theradyis looked at the crew. Now she was wearing an iron helmet with horns on the side. The look in her eyes gave away the sudden change in mood.

"Go ahead tear it all down, I'm not coming back anytime soon." she said making her way back to the pub, leaving the crew dumbfounded.

At the door of the pub, Tyrannus had paid his tab and quickly ran up to Theradyis when he saw her. A buzzing went off in his head. That danger was coming much closer than originally thought. The whisper of the Hist nearly drove Tyrannus into a panic.

"Time to go!" he said as he once again took hold of Theradyis's arm.

At this point, they were running out of the city gates and passing by a caravan of wagons filled with Stormcloak POWs, including a gagged Ulfric Stormcloak. Not that they paid attention, but one POW kept talking loudly to another prisoner who was busy randomly looking around. Tyrannus thought to himself about how annoying it would be on that wagon with that blond Nord. However, they didn't pay any more mind to the POWs as they made their quickly down the road.

"Why are we in such a hurry Tyrannus? I mean shouldn't we take our time exploring?" asked a winded Theradyis.

"Because a dragon is coming. The Hist warned me. So we need to get out of there now." Tyrannus said sternly.

"Dragon? You keep talking about them as if they're real. Dragons are just old legends." Theradyis protested.

It was at that moment, a large black reptile flew by faster than a horse. It roared loudly, and it wasn't at all kind.

 _According to the Guide, dragon roars_ _ranked among the most terrifying sounds a Nord could hear. Surprisingly, it only ranked in at number three. The second being whining children who want a pony, and the first being a rather ill-tempered Nord wife who found out her husband being unfaithful. It also says that should you find yourself in either of these serious situations, at least the dragon attack will be mostly painless and quick._

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" screamed Theradyis as she saw the scaly monster swooping in at Helgen with fire breath.

"A dragon, what do you think it is? Come on, we've got to get to the river!" replied Tyrannus as they both switched into high gear running.

As they quickly made their way to the river, a large piece of debris landed right in front of them, cutting them off from their path. Quickly, Tyrannus spotted an abandoned mine to the left and drug the terrified Theradyis toward it. The sight of the dragon ravaging her former home had certainly convinced her that those stories were true. Soon, Theradyis found herself inside a dark place. The place was quiet and Theradyis didn't feel the tug that Tyrannus gave her on her arm.

"W-where are we?" she asked meekly.

"We're safe. For the moment anyhow." answered Tyrannus as he lit a torch.

The orange glow revealed to Theradyis an abandoned mine that was partially collapsed. Old equipment laid about the place and a couple of skeletons were pinned underneath a pile of small to medium, to outright gigantic boulders. It was no surprise what happen to those two.

"I see. Well, it must be a definition of safe I've never heard of before." Theradyis smarted off.

"Let's see. A couple of ruined books. Useless. A rusty pickaxe. Also useless. Linen wrap…" said Tyrannus absentmindedly as he took out the rather good quality linen wrap off of the table.

"So, what now? Helgen has been wiped off the map, which means we have no place to return to." Theradyis said, this time in anger.

"Dreadful, isn't it? Look, if you want to be an adventurer, you're going to have to get use to disasters. Par the course." Tyrannus said, once again absentmindedly looking for more useful things.

"Nobody ever said that entire towns would be destroyed." Theradyis stated with whiny anger.

"Yes, it was terrible. However, you don't have anything holding you back now. No one to criticize you for being over the top. Besides the only person who cared about you is standing right here alive and well. Which honestly, I think that dragon would have a hard time killing me." Tyrannus said in an attempt to calm the twenty year Nord.

Tyrannus's comment took her a bit by surprise.

"You mean, you could take down the dragon?" Theradyis asked skeptically.

"No, but being immortal makes one hard to kill. Happens when you find yourself at the wrong place at the wrong time while Deadric Princes are having a contest." Tyrannus said with a cheerful, Argonian grin.

Theradyis wasn't sure if she could trust the comment on truthfulness. Then again, it was hard to judge Argonian expressions since they have little in the way of facial muscles. However, Tyrannus had a few good points. No one really liked her at Helgen. They considered an eccentric and noisey.

The only reason why Vilod even hired her was due to an arrangement that Theradyis's late father made when dying of rockjoint. Plus, the legal matters surrounding this part of the man's will prevented Vilod from refusing Theradyis from employment. Otherwise, she would have to pay a death tax for not honoring a will.

Theradyis shook the thoughts from her mind as she helped Tyrannus start a fire for the night. In the morning, it would be safer to venture out. At least she would be living her dream. Or, this could be the start of a nightmare.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Now I present the full version of Chapter Two. Please enjoy and Chapter Three (the actual Chapter Three) will be posted soon.**

Chapter Two

 _Far out in the distant south of Tamriel, a man rose to prominence a long time ago with the goal of uniting all of the continent under an empire that was meant to last for the ages. Of course that was until one of his descendants had an illegitimate son. Who was forced to save the world after being stuck at a monastery for all of his life. Not to mention being transformed in a large, golden dragon and making a huge mess of the Imperial City._

 _Anyways, the Empire had all the appeal of a bloated husker carcass that got stranded on one of the beaches of the Summerset Isles. This of course didn't set too well with the High Elves who happen to live there._

 _So, a Great War ensued. This time, the Empire no longer had a 100 ft. tall bronze automaton to ensure victory. Instead they had to rely on actual soldiers. Many of them were Nords, who are quite proud of their heritage of being the number one elf slayers, ever since Ysgramor decided to stop crying after one really bad night and open up a can of arse thrashing._

 _However, the Great War, was...well, Great. So great in fact that neither side really had an upper hand over the other. Upon seeing the futility of this, both sides agreed to a truce._

 _Unfortunately, due to a difference of opinion about "one of the things that you should never bring up in public", the truce made one group of Nords really upset. One Nord in particular, who had the amazing ability to shout people to death, decided to make a nuisance of himself. His name was_ _Ulfric Stormcloak_ _._

 _It was Ulfric who decided to round up all of the upset Nords and form a rebellion after shouting the High King to death. Which is why the Imperial Legion were stationed everywhere in Skyrim, and why the Legion attempted to tear down the house of a Theradyis Avla. The same twenty year old Nord woman was now sound asleep in an abandoned mine with her aloof Argonian friend, Tyrannus Rexus._

"Theradyis, wake up!" said Tyrannus, nudging her a little with his foot.

"Hey! Watch the claw!" said a groggy and ill tempered Theradyis.

She never was a morning person. However, to be fair, she had a point. After all, Tyrannus was part of a rare Argonian tribe that lived in the deep parts of Black Marsh called the Raptorfoot Tribe. This tribe had a bit of what natural philosophers would call "prehistoric". Most likely due to the hunting strategy of leaping upon a target and digging their sickle-like claw on the big toe into the poor soul. This made it hard for the Raptorfoot to wear boots. Thus, leaving those "killing claws" out in the open.

"Sorry, but we've got to get going." said Tyrannus, putting out the fire and grabbing his things.

Theradyis was still groggy and became increasingly grumpy. She still hadn't even had her first bottle of mead. Let alone, a decent breakfast. Before she could protest any further, she found herself outside in the cheerfully, but sickly bright light of the sun. A thick smell of smoke and charred meat reached her nose. Then, a flood of memories came crashing through her mind. Helgen was attacked by a dragon!

"By the divines!" Theradyis finally managed to murmur out.

The bellows of smoke were as black as Nocturnal's cloak. It looked like a bunch of berserking Orcs went crow hunting with Dwemer rockets. The charred smell of burnt wood, stone, and flesh was nauseating. It was clear to Theradyis that Tyrannus wasn't lying, nor was he senile. There was no turning back now, which was a shame because Theradyis would have to find another town to boast to about her upcoming adventures.

However, her murmur was met by a most unusual response.

"M'aiq thinks that you give the Aedra too much credit. M'aiq thinks that they are mostly useless." said a Khajiit wearing a blue, hooded robe.

The Khajiit simply appeared out of nowhere. This isn't surprising given the cat people's natural affinity for sneaking around. Theradyis nearly jumped as soon as M'aiq spoke up. Soon, the young Nord found herself on the ground. However, the Khajiit paid no attention to her. He simply stared at the smoke clouds emanating from Helgen's direction. The aloof cat was soon verbally seized upon by an angry Argonian.

"YOU! WHAT IN OBLIVION ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" thundered Tyrannus.

"Oh...it's you...M'aiq should have known better." said the less than amused Khajiit.

 _It is important to note that, according to the Guide, that Argonians and Khajiit never had gotten along. Which is a shame when you consider their shared history of being abused by other races. However, it just so happen that one race had a better immune system compared to the other. This of course was unfortunate when a deadly disease swept through Tamriel, killing thousands. Of course, the less fortunate race figured that the ones with an immunity were the ones behind the disease. Not even letting something decent as rational thought of getting in the way of this cherished belief, the feud between the Beast Folk has a long and sordid affair. This did not stop the forward thinking Lustful Argonian Maid from proposing an alternative hypothesis: that the Khajiit simply couldn't compete with Argonians in sexual endurance!_

"Oh yes! It me alright." said Tyrannus as he walked up to M'aiq, hand on his blade.

Theradyis was shocked. She had never seen Tyrannus so angry, but yet something about the whole encounter seem staged. Tyrannus approached M'aiq with the precision of a crossbow sniper. At the point that Theradyis thought that Tyrannus was going to turn the Khajiit into a pelt, it soon became underwhelmingly clear that the two shook hands.

"Good to see you got my message M'aiq, but you're late." said Tyrannus in a far more mild mood.

"Always obsessed with time, this one. Quite frankly, M'aiq considers it a waste of time." said the now smiling Khajiit.

Theradyis was confused.

"Um…" was all that Theradyis could get out before being introduced.

"Theradyis, this is M'aiq. M'aiq the Liar. Don't believe anything he says. He's...a sort of...an old friend." said Tyrannus a little nervously.

"Don't believe what this one says either young one. M'aiq knows much." said the feline as he extended his paw to shake Theradyis's hand.

"Um...hi. So...where are we going?" Theradyis said slowly, still trying to wrap her head around the whole situation.

"Might as well head into Riverwood, it's the closest town nearby according to the Guide." said Tyrannus, flipping through the pages of the almost normal looking, blue covered book, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel._

"M'aiq agrees. M'aiq knows a innkeeper there. She was a Blade once, though now she hides from the Thalmor." said the aloof Khajiit.

"Wow, and I bet next you'll say something about seeing a 20 foot long slaughterfish in the sewers of the Imperial City." answered Tyrannus skeptically.

"But, M'aiq did see one that big." retorted the cat.

The trio set off in a rather twisted direction toward Riverwood. The trip was going to take until nightfall. This long and twisted route was due to some of the path being blocked by debris caused by the dragon attack.

A few hours in, and the trio were going through a stretch of uneventful pine forest. All the while, Theradyis became increasingly bored. As she became bored, she became moody. As she became moody, Theradyis began to whine. Much to the annoyance of Tyrannus and M'aiq.

"Really exciting. Walking through the woods trying." said Theradyis sarcastically for the fourth consecutive time.

"M'aiq thinks your sarcasm needs work." said the Khajiit. He was remembering why he traveled alone for so long.

Tyrannus on the other hand, had enough. So he figured it would be a good idea to test the Guide on its target audience.

"Here." said Tyrannus handing her the Guide.

"A book?" whined Theradyis. She really didn't feel like reading.

"Yes, a book. Read it!" said Tyrannus sternly, getting annoyed with Theradyis's whining.

"Fine." Theradyis said taking the book with a pout.

To Theradyis's surprise the book was blank. Not a single page had a word or picture on it. Each page was entirely blank. Only the cover had anything written on it, which was simply the title on the front, and on the back in large friendly letters were the words **DON'T PANIC!**

"Is this some kind of joke?" said the young woman, whose temper began to flare.

"This is no joke. Here, let M'aiq show you how to use it." said M'aiq, as he gently took the Guide from Theradyis.

With the Guide in hand, M'aiq opened it up and said aloud "The Divines". Before Theradyis's eyes, the pages lit up in a burst of text and color. Soon, she realized this book was enchanted and got to read the following entry:

 _In the beginning, Lorkhan convinced the Aedra to put all of their power into creating Nirn. This was considered a bad move, as soon afterwards the Aedra ripped out his heart and flung it across the then-known universe._

 _Of course, the most displeasure about this comes from the mortals. It seems that they are the only ones, aside from some High Elves who have their collective heads up their-_ _ **[CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE THALMOR]**_ _-, to have noticed that having a heart of some powerful deity laying around is particularly bad._

 _One, it is large and quite an eyesore. Two, it probably stinks due to decomposition. Thirdly, it may have caused the extinction of an entire civilization. And lastly, there seems to be an awful amount of arguing about where to put the bloody thing._

 _Thus, describes the care of which the Aedra have for mortal-kind. Of course, this is to be expected from a group of deities who are paradoxically omnipotent and omniscient at the same time. Yet, believed Lorkhan's plan was a good idea. One could say that blind faith led to the Aedra's fall from grace. Funny, how they expect the same blind faith of mortals._

 _By pooling what little power they had left, the Aedra could have beaten any sort of "evil" (relativitively speaking), such as a world-eating dragon, and have no need for individuals who start off their journeys as prisoners thrusted into bad situations. Where the poor souls spend a lot time wearing old and rusted equipment until they scrape up enough septims to actually buy something decent to wear. Or most likely, until individual cuts their losses and steals better equipment from a dead man._

 _On the other hand, these Aedra are considered particularly important to many mortals. So much so, that they are declared to be "divine" and thus require large and impressive buildings which rely heavily on hard earned tax money to cover the cost of construction. Makes one wonder why so many of the priests and priestesses have so much enchanted jewelry._

 _Lastly, it must be noted that overall the Aedra are simply unimpressive, unimportant, and have hardly anything to do with Nirn despite the fact they help build the damn place. So much for 'caring' about mortals._

Theradyis was a bit shocked at the blasphemy, but yet accepted that the troublesome entry was exactly correct. Nonetheless, Theradyis's curiousity was peaked as she took the Guide back from M'aiq and began to indulge herself. Both M'aiq and Tyrannus nodded to each other. It seems that their Guide would be suitable for the target audience they had in mind. Plus, the next few hours of silence would do wonders for their nerves! _  
_  
Over the remaining leg of the trip to Riverwood, Theradyis continued to read avidly. Just any topic that came across her mind, she simply said aloud and remained silent until she had finished reading the entry she was on.

Of course, due to her nose being stuck in the book, Theradyis did have numerous close encounters with pine trees. Fortunately, the young woman had a decent enough sense of smell that allowed her to pick up a strong pine scent as she approached any pine tree.

Though when she changed course the last time, Theradyis's foot landed on M'aiq's foot. Needless to say, the pain filled cry of a panicked cat-man echoed throughout the entire countryside.

"I am so so sorry!" Theradyis said in a panic attempting to treat M'aiq's nearly broken toes.

"THIS IS WHY M'AIQ TRAVELS ALONE!" screamed the Khajiit in agony.

Though Theradyis was short, shorter than the average short Nord, she weighed every bit of a barrel full of iron. Of course, that could have more to do with the iron armor she was wearing. Nonetheless, Theradyis quickly pulled out a healing potion and tried to comfort her new feline friend.

"Here, this will help." Theradyis said apologetically.

M'aiq snatched the potion away from her and gulped it down in one swallow. Soon, relief from the crushing pain soon kicked in.

"M'aiq feels much better now, young one. Next time, M'aiq advises this one to keep her eyes on the path more so." M'aiq said getting up off the ground.

"He, he, he...will do." Theradyis said nervously and a little embarrassed.

However, this little incident was the least of their troubles. It seems that while Theradyis and M'aiq were having their first aid session, Tyrannus had pretty much left them behind. It was also the late evening. With the sun going down, it was getting harder to see. For Theradyis that is. For M'aiq on the other hand, seeing at night was no problem. In fact, he could see as well at night as he could during the day.

"Where'd old lizard go off to?" Theradyis thundered as she tried to dig out a torch from her pack.

"That one probably walking off to talk to himself again. A bad habit he gotten from his stay at the Shivering Isles." M'aiq said staring off in the direction ahead of them.

Theradyis was a little put off by what M'aiq said. The look the Khajiit was one of dread as if something horrible had happened in the past. The rather distant past. It was unnerving. In an nearly obsessive compulsion, Theradyis pulled out the Guide and began to read up on the Shivering Isles.

 _The Shivering Isles:_

 _A two sided place where the full spectrum of crazy is represented by a stretch of road between the grey and bleak Dementia on the left and the bright and hyper Mania on the right. It is mostly wise to have with you a bit of string that is at least 3 inches long, but no longer than 6 and 37/64ths inches. Be sure to measure this length in Standard Imperial, none of that easier-to-use Dwemer Metric that uses units of ten. Also, a head of barely chilled lettuce is advisable to bring with you. These are the playthings of the Mad Prince himself: Sheogorath._

 _Sheogorath is by all accounts ruthless, cunning, and most importantly homicidally and hilariously insane. Should you ever find yourself in the company of Sheogorath, it is best that you take your last moments of clear thought to be thankful that you have at least some time to have the ability to think rationally. Nonetheless, by some accounts, the tea parties hosted by Sheogorath are among the most entertaining in the entire known universe. That is until the blood begins the spill from a gigantic vice filled with Bosmer orphans. However, by this point your insanity will allow to enjoy this anyways._

Theradyis gulped. Before she could ask M'aiq any questions, she noticed that her vision had gone dark and barely felt the cold ground that she slumped into. __


	3. Various Guide Entries Vol 1

_Since it is very important that travelers should be somewhat knowledgeable on the various topics dealing with the various and often dangerous situations found throughout Tamriel,_ _The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel_ _has a few quick entries that could be, but most likely not, very helpful. As a reminder, though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, the Guide is considered to be one of the most remarkable guidebooks ever published._

 _Nords:_ _  
The guide notes that Nords are prideful. So prideful in fact, that they can make absolutely anything into a honor duel. Much to the annoyance of flabbergasted local officials. Should you manage to beat a Nord in any sort of contest, always be sure to have some sort of alcohol on hand. This will enable the Nord in question to become your best friend, as when he or she enters into a drunken state, they will simply forget that they had lost the contest. Thus their pride goes unharmed. However, if you forget to bring the mead or any other beverage (since they aren't too picky), then you may find your head rolling across the feet of several shocked, but none too surprised townsfolk._

 _Altmer: _

_Just like the Nords, the so-called High Elves (due to either their pointy ears, their tall frames, or most likely due to observations of their inflated egos) are also prideful. Much to the annoyance of Imperial generals and other less important officials. In fact, even alcohol cannot curtail their pride. Instead, it causes it to increase exponentially. So, if you ever witness a contest between an Altmer and a Nord, the usual result is a confused and bloodstained Nord explaining to Thalmor agents why a fellow elf's head just so happen to rolled across their feet._

 _Linen Wrap:_

 _The absolute most important item one can have in their satchel. There are many uses one can have for linen wrap. For starters, if thick enough, it can be very useful as a blanket to keep you warm. It can also be used as a towel to dry you off after swimming away from a sinking ship. Plus, should you find yourself in a perilous situation of no escape, at least the mortician wouldn't have to look very far to find something to wrap up your remains with. No matter the case, always known where your linen roll is!_

 _Argonians: _

_The most quiet race of all. This is probably due to the large, predatory beasts that live alongside the them in Black Marsh. In fact they are so quiet, that they make excellent stealth types (i.e. should be read as thieves and assassins). Many of the other races believe that the Argonians were either stupid or telepathic. Of course, it is safe to say that they are the latter at least partially. This is due to a somewhat symbiotic and somewhat parasitic relationship with a bunch of trees call the Hist. However, many Argonians have decided to question the relationship due to the fact they do all of the actual work while the Hist just stay rooted in the swamps. One could say that this arrangement inspired the Dummer to work out a notorious, but unfortunately successful economic system. Of course, the Dummer decided to rethink this after an asteroid slammed into their capital city and a volcano blew its top. Especially since a bunch of angry Argonians decided to invade Morrowind afterwards. However, no one in their right mind nowadays would ever call an Argonian 'stupid'._

 _Khajiit: _

_Known for their love of roaming caravans around and playing with small trinkets, the Khajiit are humanoid cat people from the appropriately named Elsweyr (pronounced Else-Where). Appropriate, as the Khajiit people's collective consciousness tend to be 'elsewhere' during stressful situations. However, it should be noted that it is entirely unwise to jokingly push an aloof Khajiit into a body of water. While this move will get their attention, it will most likely result in heavy facial scarring for the fool who decided to pull such a prank. Another important note is that not all Khajiit are Moon Sugar and/or Skooma addicts. With this being said, it is wise that any non-Khajiit avoid eating Khajiit cuisine for two reasons: 1.) Moon Sugar is used in all dishes for flavor and can cause addiction. 2.) It tastes terrible to most non-Khajiit._

 _The Pan-Nirnian Throat Cleanser:_

 _The most alcoholic beverage ever devised, and considered by the Guide to be the best drink in existence. A consensus supported by Sheogorath himself. The effect of drinking this beverage is like having your brain bashed out with a gold encrusted Daedric mace wrapped in a twist of a juniper berry. Fortunately, the Guide is happy to also list the amount you'll be expected to pay for this drink at most establishments, and the closest Temples of Mara that will assist you while you recover. It is also wise, as stated by Sanguine, to limit yourself to just two Pan-Nirnian Throat Cleansers unless you are a world-eating dragon with a terrible case of bronchial pneumonia. With that said, the writers of the Guide have provided the mixing instructions for making the Pan-Nirnian Throat Cleanser:_

 _1.) Take the juice from one bottle of Red Mountain brand Sujamma_

 _2.) Pour into it one measure of water from the Niben Bay- Oh that Niben seawater! Oh, those Niben fish!_

 _3.) Allow three cubes of glacial ice from the Throat of the World to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the Greybeard ashes will be lost.)_

 _4.) Allow four pints of Black Marsh swamp gas to bubble through it, in memory of all those failed invasion attempts._

 _5.) Over the back of a silver set of calipers, float a measure of jazbay grape extract,_ _redolent of all the heady odors of Nocturnal's realm, subtle, sweet and mystic._

 _6.)_ _Drop in the tooth of a clannfear daedra. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Oblivion deep into the heart of the drink._

 _7.) Sprinkle Moon Sugar (DO NOT USE SKOOMA!)_

 _8.) Add an olive_

 _9.) Drink...but...very carefully!_


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

 _Sometimes as an adventurer, there come times where you will find yourself in a very stressful situation. Stress, and other conditions related to it, is the most life threatening health conditions in all of Tamriel. (Cue in peaceful seaside image # 12) It is therefore important that in order to alleviate this problem before it reaches the point of a health crisis in our readers, the writers of that all important and most successful book,_ _The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel_ _will go into detail about what will happen to Theradyis Avla and M'aiq the Liar in the next few minutes. (Cue in peaceful mountain scene #42)_

 _First, they will wake up in pitch black conditions so dark, that not even M'aiq 's Nighteye will work. Secondly, an agent of the mysterious Nightingales named Karliah will present herself to them and explain why they are in the Twilight Sepulcher. Next, the Daedric Prince Nocturnal will make her appearance and ask about Tyrannus's whereabouts. Then, someone will trip over a small stone. This in turn will cause them to have a small bruise on their left upper arm._

 _In order to preserve the hint of mystery that will surely engage our readers, the identity of the person who tripped will be left unknown for now._

 _In 30 seconds time, Theradyis will wake and immediately rouse M'aiq…_

Theradyis's eyes snapped open. Though this didn't help much. It was so dark that she wasn't even sure that her eyes were even open. After rubbing her eyes to ensure they were open, Theradyis began to panic. Fearing she had gone blind, she scurried to feel around for anything or anyone.

She felt the cold, damp, and dirty stone floor beneath her. Then, she felt behind herself. Her pack! Not only her pack, but the Guide too. As Theradyis took hold of the Guide, the big friendly letters on the back (which read **DON'T PANIC!** ) began to glow in a soft, reddish light. Much to the relief of Theradyis. Still, the light barely even scratched the inky blackness around them.

A few yards in front of her, or at least Theradyis thought was a few yards, a slumped over figure laid on the floor. Theradyis quickly crawled up to the figure. Obviously, it was M'aiq purring contently.

"M'aiq! Wake up! We've got to find a way out of here." Theradyis whispered, nudging M'aiq.

"No...no...Mother, M'aiq wants to stay in bed longer…" M'aiq responded. He promptly turnover, still asleep, and wrapped his arms around a surprised Theradyis.

"Come one! You need to wake up! We're in deep mammoth dung here!" Theradyis said, much louder this time.

She then managed to wrestle off M'aiq's arms and began to shake him.

"WAKE UP!" Theradyis yelled finally.

"Okay, okay. M'aiq is awake! Stop shaking him and yelling." said the groggy cat.

It soon dawned on M'aiq just simply how dark in was in here. It was absolutely dark. Even the faint glow of the **DON'T PANIC!** Inscription wasn't noticeable until M'aiq just so happen to look in the direction of Theradyis. Normally, M'aiq could see in the dark just fine.

Even if he was in a deep cave in the middle of the night without any glowing fungi to even provide a little light. No, this darkness was simply too dark. It was impossibly dark. It was as if the vary photons of light just decided to off themselves and fade from existence.

This dark was the sort of dark that simply drank up any bit of light and regurgitated more darkness. It was unhealthy and unnatural. It was just so dark.

"M'aiq has a bad feeling about this." said M'aiq as he came to more fully.

"You're not the only one." Theradyis agreed.

Out of fear, the two huddled together. Waiting for themselves to calm down enough to think about how to get out of this overstatingly dark place. That was until…

"Good, you two are awake. Lady Nocturnal will be pleased." said a third distinct, female voice.

Unfortunately for Karliah, she forgot to light up the room. The result of this action was a dual, surround sound of a young Nord woman and a Khajiit male screaming in terror. The shock of which almost made Karliah jump, though she managed to keep her composure.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"QUIET!"

M'aiq and Theradyis went quiet as the a soft bluish white light took away the darkness. In front of them stood a female dressed in black armor with a cowl and cape. While somewhat unnerving, the figure in front of them offered some food and drink.

"Sorry about that. We're not use to having guests here. I am Karliah." said Karliah as she handed the refreshments to the guests.

M'aiq and Theradyis finally got a grip on themselves and happily received the refreshments.

"Thank you." Theradyis said meekly and quickly, but politely, took one of the apples from the tray.

M'aiq was a bit more cautious and skeptically looked at the tray.

"Young one, you shouldn't simply take food without examining it." M'aiq said critically.

"I may be a thief, but I'm not an assassin." Karliah retorted with an unseen smirk.

"Even more reason for M'aiq not to trust it." M'aiq said, extending a shaky paw to take a sweet roll for himself.

"After you two have finished, you need to follow me. My lady will need to speak to you both." said Karliah as she sat the tray down on a now visible table.

A minute later, the duo and the Nightingale found themselves in front of Nocturnal herself. Theradyis really wished that she had took the time to read the Guide entry on her. Had she did so, this is what the Guide would say:

 _Nocturnal:_ _  
The one thing she loves is darkness. This and other reasons are why Nocturnal has the moniker 'Lady of the Night' or alternatively 'Night Mistress'. There is very little information about her from official sources. Even Sigillah Parate came to the conclusion: 'It took me years to understand the simple fact that I could never understand Nocturnal.'_

 _However, like with many progressive philosophers, the Lustful Argonian Maid said of Parate's account: 'Well, he simply wasted time on the obvious.' She then went further than the other philosophers and said : 'Not "many" would understand what Nocturnal desires…" citing the legend of the coven of Nocturnal's witches and their rather interesting and somewhat nude rituals._

 _Nonetheless, the Guide does report that one of our writers went to Nocturnal herself about the accuracy of this information. Much to his surprise, he got more than he bargained for!_

Fortunately for Theradyis, Nocturnal wasn't in a foul mood. Nor was she her usual mysterious self either. While mortals struggle to understand the intentions of beings such as Daedric Princes, it was clear to anyone that Nocturnal was...worried. Even if said anyone was blind, deaf and dumb (no promises on the last one). So much so, that the raven-like nightingale birds tried comfort her by rubbing their beaks on her shoulders.

"Hello there." Nocturnal said in a rather weak voice, though the echo effect was still there.

M'aiq and Theradyis was took aback. With all of the stories they had heard about encounters with Deadric Princes, never before had they considered that a prince could be worried, or perhaps depressed. Maybe Sheogorath, but not the others. Yet, here the cloaked and moonlight pale skinned Night Mistress wasn't her usual floating self. In fact she stood directly on the ground.

"Um...h-hello…" Theradyis said first.

M'aiq and Karliah bother were slightly stunned at the bravery of the young woman. Usually, this was a stupid move as Nocturnal would just blink and a cloud of darkness could consume the offender like a swarm of miniature slaughterfish. Not this time.

"You. You have his book?" Nocturnal asked, curious.

"You mean Tyrannus? Yes. He let me read it while we were traveling to Riverwood." answered Theradyis honestly.

Nocturnal lifted the book with her mind, gently leaving Theradyis's hands and entering her own. Then in a rather unusual display, Nocturnal sniffed the book. This was a bit absurd to M'aiq and Theradyis. There was an evident amount of lust in the act. If it be called that.

M'aiq, Theradyis, and even Karliah were a little unnerved by the affection (for lack of a better word) the Night Mistress displayed toward the book. If one were stupid, and no one here was, she or he would almost certainly call Nocturnal a weird prev.

"It has been so, so long. Right! I have a task for the two of you." said Nocturnal, regaining her usual demeanor. Only barely though.

The change of tone, even though it was as forced as a giant trying on a set of normal sized formal wear, caught the attention of M'aiq. He was well aware of 'tasks' that this particular Deadric Prince.

"A task? Beg M'aiq's pardon my dear lady, but M'aiq thinks you mean a contract." M'aiq asked, knowing that he risked a sudden, painful, and most likely dark end.

It was at this moment that Nocturnal lost it, but not in the way you'd expect. Theradyis was the first to notice. A translucent tear with only a faint glimmer. In a rare moment of clear thought, Theradyis quickly everything together.

"Um...ma'am...do you want us to find...Tyrannus?" Theradyis nervously asked.

Nocturnal didn't say a word, but nodded. Then she simply disappeared. Leaving Theradyis, M'aiq, and Karliah dumbfounded. Never before in the entire history of existence had anyone, not even Tiber Septim, had ever witnessed an event such as this. A Deadric Prince on the verge of crying over a special someone?

If it weren't for the fact they were kidnapped and direct eyewitnesses (though this mode of evidence isn't the most reliable either), M'aiq and Theradyis would have thought it was some sick trick. Possibly of Sheogorath's doing, though the lack of cheese is a dead give away that he wasn't responsible.

Karliah was about to show M'aiq and Theradyis out when Nocturnal reappeared. Strangely enough, Nocturnal was slowly rubbing the upper part of her left arm, but quickly caught the attention of the three mortals.

"I almost forgot. Here." Nocturnal said as two copies of the Guide appeared in front of Theradyis and M'aiq.

"Find Tyrannus and give him back the Guide. Karliah will bring you three back here once the book is returned to Tyrannus." Nocturnal commanded, more true to her usual self this time.

Then, Nocturnal disappeared again. M'aiq and Theradyis looked at their new copies of the Guide and then at each other. Then the duo looked over at Karliah, who simply shrugged. At least the three departed.

"Now that the Night Mistress has spoken with you, I will show you out. However, I will have to render you both unconscious. I have to keep the path to this place secret." Karliah said, getting ready to cast the Mind-Fade spell.

"Hold on please. Would you be willing to answer a couple of questions?" begged Theradyis.

"Yes, M'aiq seconds this request." M'aiq added.

"Sure, but please make them quick. Given the...unusual nature of this contact-"

"M'aiq knew it!"

"-anyways...let's make this quick so we don't keep Lady Nocturnal waiting." Karliah finished giving an evil eye to M'aiq.

"Do you know why Tyrannus needs the Guide?" Theradyis asked quickly.

"Unfortunately no." Karliah answered sadly, seeing the disappointment in the young Nord's eyes.

"Okay then I'-WAH!" cried out Theradyis as she slipped on a damp patch of stone.

A less than graceful landing ensued, with the upper plate of armor on her left arm taking the brunt of the impact. This left a purple bruise (thought it was Nocturnal who tripped didn't you?).

"Ow…" murmured Theradyis.

"Let's get this over with." said M'aiq.

Again, their vision went dark and their minds faded.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

 _During the great epoch of prosperous peace for the Empire, an abundance of trade ships plied through the mighty seas of Nirn in order to seek out rewarding adventures all in the name of profit._

 _The men were real men. The women were real women. The large, slug-like Sload were real Sload that were large and slug-like. It was the real men and women (Beast Folk included, except for the Sload) by which the powerful and morbidly large East Empire Trading Company was forged._

Of course, when the originally loose confederation came together to make this powerful company many of its members became extremely rich. This was perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of as no one was really poor. Well, no one worth talking about any how.

 _Thus, this attitude was the perfect breeding ground for corruption and mercantilism. In fact, the office of the various Emperors had even granted the use of the Imperial Military to these greasy and well fed business leaders. Allowing them to completely control the supply and selling of items such as Kwama Eggs through the use of armed conflict._

 _Fortunately, not everyone affiliated with the EETC thought this was a good idea. One of these was a young Orc sea captain by the name of Khangung gra-Nagorm, and she wasn't having any of it._

"What do you mean I'm only getting a third?!" said Khangung with crossed arms and an angry voice.

"Well, for starters the dock tax takes the usual five percent." said a quaint, nearsighted Redguard man fumbling through the papers.

"Yes, that's a fee I was expecting." said Khangung losing more patience than a giant trying to milk an unruly mammoth.

"But, your ship requires a complete overhaul according to the payment ledger." said the man meekly as he squinted at the paper to ensure he was reading the report correctly.

"WHAT!? LET ME SEE THAT!" thundered Khangung.

The meek Redguard quickly handed over the ledger to the enraged Orc captain. The ledger listed out the fees and payments due and most of them were expected. There was the dock tax, which was normal. There was the lodgings and ship supply fee, which was normal. There also the Soldier Free fee which was also normal. All of these fees were normal and quite reasonable.

For starters, everyone paid the dock tax. At five percent, it was the most expensive fee. Then the Soldier Free fee, because Khangung didn't want to transport unruly Imperial soldiers on her ship. Therefore, a necessary fee for peace of , the lodgings and supply fee. This too was normal and perfectly good sense. For 87 Septims a month, you got free lodgings in all ports home to EETC offices and warehouses, and the EETC fully stocked your ship according to your wishes.

As already overstated, these fees were normal, but one thing stood out to Khangung. At the bottom of the page, crudely written in, was the following:

 _Total Boat Ovrhol: 61%_

Upon seeing this, Khangung's blood boiled. It was an obvious forgery made up by some up and coming thief who probably got gutted the moment she stepped out of the clerk office last night. After all, the thief's corpse bobbed up and down in the waves below the pier. The seagulls were mad over the leather clad feast.

Khangugn handed the ledger back the Redguard. She gave herself a few seconds to calm herself.

"Okay. Al-Kirk, this is a forgery. The thief didn't even spell 'overhaul' correctly." she said mostly calm and mostly patient.

"Huh?" said the myopic clerk as he took another, even more closer look. He practically had his entire face in the ledger.

Khangung waited, seemingly happy that he would see the mistake and thus give her the full payment amount of 93,913 Septims. Or rather the receipt so she have it added to her account, as that amount of gold coin would be extremely hard to carry without a wagon.

"Oh I see now." said Al-Kirk the clerk ironically.

Khangung tried her hardest not to laugh. She was feeling much better now.

"Unfortunately, the error wasn't caught soon enough and I had already sent the order out-"

The downside to having a ledger book so close to one's face was the opportunity for an angry Orc woman to shove said ledger with a powerful thrust of the arm. The effect of which knocked the poor and stupid clerk off his stool and into the rough, splitter-filled floor.

Now Khangung was on the warpath. After dealing with the clerk, the Orc was hellbent on meeting the dockmaster. She wasn't leaving this place without her money. This has happened to a lot of mariners, and she wasn't going to have it.

Dockmaster Tiberius was sitting at his desk, thumbing through a small ledger that was black in color. He was bored and restless. You see, he had a problem. He had been all over Nirn and managed to have many, many wonderful nights in the various "red" districts of all of the major cities in order to fulfill his carnal desires.

After all, he was wealthy which allowed him to get away with anything and if a problem arose from his favorite activity, then an Imperial soldier was always close by to protect the Dockmaster.

However, Tiberius's most favored brothels were becoming stagnant. He done everything and everyone there. It was time for something or rather someone different. You could imagine his amazement (which let's be honest, we don't really want to imagine) when a voluptuous and powerfully muscled Orc woman with grey eyes and thick black hair covering her shoulder slammed open the door and forcefully entered his office.

"Oh..by the will of Sanguine…" Tiberius softly whispered to himself.

Khangung was so angry that her usual greyish-blue skin was turning purple. She wasn't leaving until she got her money. That didn't mean she was naive about this man either. Calling Tiberius a man would even make a vampire question the nature of humanity.

"I want my money and I want it paid in full." said Kahngung in the most intimidated voice she could muster. Which by all accounts wasn't very hard for her as she was naturally tough as nails and could easily follow through with any threats.

"Yes, yes! You know I was wondering...why your ship needed…(ah) a complete overhaul. I mean...your ship looks fine to me." said the Dockmaster as he got up from his chair. Unfortunately, his efforts to conceal his "intentions" were in vain.

"It doesn't. A thief, the same one feeding the sharks right now, forged the overhaul in the ledger. However, the moron down there forgoes his glasses and signs off on it. Now, I want my money and my ship to be left alone!" Khangung fumed, staring the pervert directly in the eyes.

"Well, sure. Sure. I'll have that took care of right now." Tiberius said as he signed a cancellation order and a check.

The dockmaster approached the Orc woman awkwardly, as if he still believed that he could hide the obvious. Khangung was already well aware but she didn't care. Once she left, he could do anything he wanted with those naughty thoughts in his head. That's usually what happened. Tiberius finally regained his composure and handed the check over to Khangung.

"Here you go." said Tiberius in a friendly manner.

Khangung took the piece of paper with a small amount of disgust. She turned away and headed toward the door.

"Wait!" cried out Tiberius.

Khangung stopped. Something was amiss.

"Now, my dear captain, I wouldn't want your reputation to tarnished by a crime such as theft." said Tiberius in a slow, low, but not very threatening voice.

Khangung knew what he was getting at and turned to meet him. She had a plan to put this pervert in his place once and for all. It would cost her greatly, but she knew that she wouldn't get another opportunity. Plus, she was sure that General Tullius would love to get a hold of that tiny black ledger book.

"You're right, I'm sorry sir. I'm just all worked up." Khangung said in alluring voice.

A few seconds later, a pain-filled scream echoed through the office and Khangung quietly walked out the door. She made her way to the Solitude City gates. The guard on duty noted the fresh blood smeared on her delicate tusks and lips. This made him a bit weary. Khangung took note.

"Sorry, just had a lunch cooked rare." Khangung said sheepishly as she wiped away the blood with a handcloth.

The guard simply shrugged and allowed her entrance.

Meanwhile, in the Winking Skeever, Theradyis and M'aiq awoke in a relatively nice and accommodating inn room. It took them a moment to get their bearings, but fortunately Karliah left them a detailed note about the last known whereabouts of Tyrannus Rexus. According to the beggars in the area had told Karliah, they had seen the ebony-clad Argonian attempting to talk to a group of horkers.

M'aiq read over the note first. He figured that since he was the more experienced, he would hold on to the note. So far, this whole adventure was just what he was expecting. Something that was a pain in the rear, but it killed the dull boredom that he was experiencing beforehand.

As for Theradyis, she was still trying to get her eyes opened. The Mind-Fade spell took a heavy toll on her. Theradyis was relieved to see that she still had her gear, including her unwieldy giant's club. After all, being presented to the Patroness of Thieves was a good way to make sure you still have all of your equipment and money.

"So, what does the note say?" asked Theradyis, still laying in the bed across from M'aiq.

"Hmm… It seems that it worse than M'aiq thought. That one is talking to horkers now." said M'aiq as he continued to read the note.

"You know, a horker loaf would be nice right now, considering we've only had an apple and a sweetroll to eat over the past couple of days." said Theradyis lazily.

M'aiq didn't pay any mind to Theradyis's comment. M'aiq wanted to be sure he read every single jot and tittle. He knew how these sort of "contracts" worked. There was always a catch. Always! Why, if this sort of thing was a fishing spot, you could guarantee someone would be a highly successful angler. Which in this case, the angler was Nocturnal, and M'aiq knew that he, Theradyis, and the horker jabbering lizard were the catch.

It was then that M'aiq looked up at Theradyis, who was about to take a bite out of a piece of dried beef from the refreshment table next to the door of the room. Not wanting to draw attention, M'aiq quickly rushed over there and took the meat away from Theradyis.

"Hey! What's your problem?" said Theradyis sternly.

"It's not paid for." M'aiq said, stopping to take a listen. He thought he heard someone outside the door.

Theradyis's eyes widen.

"You mean...she didn't pay…"

"Have you ever known a thief to pay for anything out of their own pocket?" M'aiq said in a harsh, but hushed tone.

Theradyis stayed quiet. In all her twenty years, Theradyis had never broken the law. Not once. Now, she has trespassed into an unpaid inn room almost ate a stolen piece of dried beef. Granted, she wasn't to blame due being put into this position by Karliah. However, without evidence this would be impossible to prove.

Well, there's the note and the three copies of The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel. However, it is probably unwise to reveal this stuff to the authorities as your quest-giver is the patroness of thieves and spies. Not to mention a Daedric Prince. Plus the Guides could be considered Daedric artifacts, which are banned under Imperial law.

After whoever was outside had passed by, M'aiq walked quietly over to the window. Looking outside, he saw that it would a simple matter to jump onto the outcrop adjacent to the window. For him anyways. As for Theradyis, M'aiq had doubts.

"M'aiq knows how we can escape." he said as he opened the window.

Theradyis walked up to the window. She quickly put two and two together.

"So, we're jumping to that outcorp over there?" Theradyis asked.

"Yes." M'aiq answered, stepping out of the window to perch himself for the jump across.

The feline man leaped over the outcrop with ease. While it was a simple jump, M'aiq did it with an uncanny grace. Now it was Theradyis's turn. With a small jolt of speed, Theradyis also made the jump. A little rough, but she stuck the landing much to M'aiq's surprise. Quickly, M'aiq used a telekinesis spell to close the window and soon they found themselves in the alley next to the inn.

"That was cutting it close." Theradyis said after taking a deep breath.

She then proceeded to search her person to make sure she had everything. It was at this moment, Theradyis realized that she left something in the room. The vital part of her gear.

"Yes, that went by smoothly. Best find one of the local beggars and see if we can get an update-" M'aiq was interrupted by a panicking Theradyis.

"OH SMEG!" she cried out.

Quickly, M'aiq put his paw over Theradyis's mouth to keep her quiet. They weren't completely out of the woods yet. Little did they know, Theradyis crying out did rouse attention. The wrong kind of attention.

"Shhh. You'll catch the attention of the locals. Now, what happened?" M'aiq said quietly looking over his shoulder. Then he looked back at Theradyis.

As soon as M'aiq removed his paw, Theradyis was going to say why she panicked, but she saw a guard rushing toward them. In order to keep themselves out of trouble, Theradyis did the only thing she could think of.

"Pucker up." she said and immediately smashed her lips upon M'aiq's.

This action scared the wits out of the Khajiit. However, it became clear to M'aiq why Theradyis gave him a forced kiss. The clanking of steel boots and the 'shing' of a drawn sword was than enough to confirm M'aiq's suspicions.

"What's going on over there?!" yelled a guard, sword drawn and shield raised.

The guard saw what appeared to be a Khajiit assaulting a young woman. 'Filthy cats!' was the rather racist thought the guard had as he went to arrest the possible rapist. All this guard could think of at this moment was how sick these skooma addicted, thieving, and filthy animals were.

 _(It should be noted to our readers that this idiotic view is not shared nor tolerated by any of the Guide's writers.)_

However…

"Miss, is this filth-"

"What! What!? You want to make something of this?! Yes, he's my boyfriend arsehole!" Theradyis said taking hold of M'aiq's arm in a seemingly loving manner after breaking off the importeau kiss.

The guard was very confused, offended, and disgusted. Legally there was nothing he could do. Interracial couples had been allowed since Uriel Septim VII legalize it in the numerous reforms he put in place before the Oblivion crisis. Which was quite fortunate since such "enlightened" individuals as the guard would most certainly do horrible things best left unmentioned.

Undeterred, Theradyis stood her ground and caused the guard to simply sulked away. The Solitude's finest muttered something crude about "mixing". The irony of this mostly unheard statement would be epic if the guard didn't have his helmet on. After all, he was a Breton!

Theradyis and M'aiq stood there silently. They took in all of the sounds. They took in all of the sights. Soon, they nodded in agreeance that the coast was clear. They shuffled away from the alley and began seeking out any of the beggars who lived nearby.

However, right before they left the relative safety of the alley, the pair stopped. Neither could stare at each other at the moment.

"Umm...sorry. It was the only thing I could think of…" said Theradyis, with a light touch of pink on her cheeks. Fortunately her helmet covered her face.

"N-no worries. M'aiq is glad you thought of something quickly." M'aiq replied, rubbing the back of his head.

Theradyis was turning a deep red. She was still very thankful that her helmet covered her face.

"By the way, what was it that made you cry out?" M'aiq asked, trying to get past the awkwardness.

"...oh...Oh! Right! I left my giant's club in the inn room…" Theradyis said in sad realization.

"Don't worry. M'aiq will get a new one for you. Can't go back for it now." M'aiq said rather fast.

"Y-yeah, it's not very important." Theradyis acknowledged.

Nothing more was said of it and the two set off to the market area, since that seemed to be the most logical place to start. During the search, Theradyis referred to her personal copy of the Guide to see if there was any information about Solitude that may help in their search. The only relevant entry was the one on beggars themselves:

 _Beggars:  
_ _It is a sad fact that there are those who must beg in order to survive. Most civilized persons don't even give a half of a ice wolf kidney toward the unfortunate and miserable people. Which is a shame really. On the plus side, the beggar is most informed type of person in all of the crumbling and bloated Empire._

 _Due to their meek and (let's face it) dirty demeanor, nearly everyone will simply ignore them and open their bigs mouths about any classified matter. This problem is so prevalent that the Thalmor had their counter-intelligence branch research the best way to keep information from being leaked to beggars._

 _The researchers found the only effective means to maintain information security involved several large steel staples being drove into the upper and lower jaws of an agent to ensure their mouth remained securely shut. Then the agents were forced to have their tongues cut out for good measure._

 _This sadly didn't work too well. For starters, this method prevented the spread of Altmer propaganda. It was a rather painful procedure too. Lastly, it made any plainclothes Thalmor agents stand out like a sore thumb._

 _This futile attempt just goes to show that beggars are the best informants of all time. So, it is wise to befriend beggars everywhere and give them a Septim or two. Not only to gain important information, but it is a decent thing to do!_

The entry wasn't entirely helpful but it did give Theradyis some insight. The question 'what would be the best way to please all of the beggars at one time?' kept echoing in her mind. She was so deep in thought that she lagged behind M'aiq a few paces. It didn't take long for the Khajiit to notice.

"You're falling behind. M'aiq doesn't want to lose another friend." said M'aiq as he looked back at Theradyis trailing behind.

"Sorry, just got caught with my thoughts. I think I know of a way we could possible draw the beggars out." Theradyis said, a little winded due to running to catch up with M'aiq.

The cat man perked his ears as Theradyis whispered about it.

Meanwhile, in a cave dubbed Brinewater Grotto dead north coast of Haafingar Hold, a trio of horkers were lying about enjoying their time out of the water. It was the start of the late evening, and thus the temperature of the seawater dropped so much that it was too cold even for these blubbery animals. So they crawl up on land and huddle together to sleep through the night. Or at least that was the horkers' plan anyhow.

Silently, an ominous figure trudged through the water at an alarming speed. Occasionally, the silence was broken with a forced giggle under the breath of this figure. As it drew closer to the horker group, the female horkers became nervous and surrounded their young. The alpha male immediately took his position to protect his children and harem.

However, after a few minutes the threat went away. It is doubtful that the mental capacity of a horker allows for the feeling of worry. The phrase 'out of sight, out of mind' is a relatively good way to describe the intelligence of a horker.

In fact, the animals were not exactly stupid but were rather dull when compared to the likes of ice wolves, butterflies, and skeletons. Their walrus-like demeanor and three tusks were usually enough to serve them well for defense. The only reason why the horkers aren't face with extinction is because of their rapid breeding.

Yet, the ominous figure wasn't gone. Just fully silent now and had stopped swimming. He was trying to come to grips with himself. It had been a very long trip and he had been fighting himself along the way. Even through the fog in his mind was thick that you'd need a watermill saw to cut it, Tyrannus was strong-willed enough to keep the bastard at bay.

Despite all of the violent thoughts that the Mad Prince had forcibly placed into his head, Tyrannus had managed to redirect those thoughts into more silly and amusing antics. While Sheogorath was also amused by this, he's becoming increasingly bored with it.

"Come on Tyrannus! We've been going bout this all damn day. You can't win you know. Why, you knew this was going to be the way of things." Sheogorath said telepathically.

"No. Your plan made about as much since as a Silt Strider chasing its own tail." Tyrannus protested.

"Aye, aye! So you figured it out didn't you? Well, I reallllllyyyyy don't care! Ha HA! Since I got you away from that book, the games and fun can really begin!" taunted the Mad Prince.

Tyrannus, now feeling numb from the waist below standing in the freezing water, took hold of his will. He had one card up his sleeve. Or rather four. A lover, two friends, and his inner self. Once again, a fire-like rage tried to build up inside him. Sheogorath was making another move.

"You see those horkers over there? Looks like that alpha male has gotten himself a nice little harem and a whole litter of little ones. LET'S START OFF SMALL! Okay? Okay! Right! Take the alpha and impale him on that stalactite and drink the fat and blood that drips out. Nexxxxttt! Slaughter the females, and rape the children! Then, let's slaughter them and sell the cuttings to the local butcher. He won't even know about the "special sauce". HA!" Sheogorath said vilely.

Tyrannus didn't respond. In fact, it was getting easier to ignore the Mad Prince. The near-zero water was affecting Tyrannus as expected. Being an Argonian, he wasn't fully warm-blooded. Nor was he cold-blooded either. He was in the middle. A mesotherm to put it in technical Dwemer fashion.

While it is true that he was immortal, Tyrannus knew that being in a mortal-based body meant he was still affected by any physiological weaknesses. While his body could cope with Skyrim's cold, the freezing waters were a different matter. An Argonian had to keep moving and create body heat to stay warm in the frigid waters. That is, if they didn't get tired. That's why he sought out water as soon as he was took away from his friends. He was going to swim until he got tired.

Once again, he outsmarted Sheogorath. Tyrannus's metabolism was bottoming out. A few minutes later he went unconscious. Much to Sheogorath's dismay. True, the Mad Prince could still interfere with the immortal Argonian's subconscious. However, the puppet wouldn't be able to act anything out for Sheogorath.

 _"Oh, you have outwitted me this time Tyrannus. Good for you! Buuutttt! YOU'RE NOT OUT OF THE WOODS YET BOYO!"_ said the more sinister, telepathic voice.

The last fading thought Tyrannus had as he slipped into darkness was that he had been doing this for over two hundred years. It started after the battle in Kvatch. If he could do it for this long, he could hold out forever.

Back in Solitude it was after dusk. Most of the townsfolk had turned in for the night and only guards were roaming the streets. A slightly drunk Khangung was making her back to her boat. She had managed to get the little black of the now former dockmaster to General Tullius. An investigation was launched, and it wouldn't be long before that pervert would handed over to the Thalmor. She figured that it was an appropriate fate for such a dirty little man. Still, the amount of Cyrodilic Brandy wasn't enough to get the bad taste out of her mouth.

No matter, as she knew she did the right thing and besides those days were behind her now. As far Khangung was concerned, she was a captain of her very own boat now. No longer was she a 'Whore of Namira.' Khangung had even forgot her birth name. Or maybe that was the brandy's doing. Either way, she could rest peacefully tonight with the gentle rocking of the boat and the repetitive thrashing of gentle waves.

Khangung made her way to the city gate when she heard a commotion. Across the way toward the Radiant Raiment, a pair of guards were harassing a young Nord and a Khajiit. From the looks of it, it didn't look good. Khangung recognized the two from earlier in the day though it was dusk out. The guards' torches were enough light to tell who was who. Khangung recalled that those two held a banquet for the poor in the Temple of the Divines. It was the only good news that was worth hearing about, besides the Imperial victory in the Pale.

Yet, these guards seem to harassing them for some reason. Khangung figured she would intervene. Probably not the bet judgement given her ever so slightly intoxicated state.

That brilliant and most remarkable book, The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel has a few things to say the Orc people. This will certainly help our readers understand the way these mighty and proud people deal with things.

Orsimer:   
There are some people and dragons who want to watch the world burn, become sandblasted, pressed, pulled, lost, found, drowned, flung, dusted off, and finally burned again. Some of these morbid people take pot-shots at the Orsimer, or simply Orcs.

 _The Orcs are a highly tribal people whose greatest achievement is the building and several rebuildings of their famous city deep in the mountains between Skyrim and High Rock. Fortunately, the constant state of being collective outcasts have hardened their skins, feelings, and hearts toward this abuse. (Though the latter is more likely due to their diet high in red meat.)_

 _Orcs worship the Daedric Prince Malacath. Malacath, who after finding himself in a rather unsanitary position, decided he would be the patron of outcasts everywhere. On the other hand, it is fair to say that many probably avoided this particular Daedric Prince due to the fact he simply never showered after the whole ordeal with Boethiah. Even his followers, the above mentioned Orcs, recognize the importance of good hygiene._

 _Despite the good hygiene, honorable (even if bloodthirsty) combat prowess, and renowned smithing ability, many of the other races continue to use the Orcs as the butt of jokes. Mostly with regards to their appearance, failed attempts at stopping invasions of Orsinium, and the fact their god crawled his way out of metaphysical fecal matter._

 _Lastly, it is very important to note that is incredibly unwise to mock an Orc's mother. It is even more unwise to mock an Orc's grandmother. The most unwise thing to do is to feed both an Orc's mother and grandmother to a ravenous Were-Boar. Such an action would result in the immediate launch of the offender into high orbit of Nirn by the son/grandson or daughter/granddaughter Orc._

The guards had cornered Theradyis and M'aiq. One of them was the racist Breton from earlier. The other was another undereducated female yokel from the outskirts of town. She too was racist and also had a conniption over "mixin' n' mismatchin' ". If only she were aware that Bretons descended from the offspring of elves and humans! Anyways, both of these un-progressives were simply tormenting Theradyis and M'aiq.

"...I'ah guessin' that you likes a furry feelin' inside you. I bet yer all rough'd up down in yer ladyparts…" said the female guard.

 _(Guide Authors' Note: this was the best translation possible given the ignorance and thick accent of the female guard. Once again, it must be stated that the authors of the Guide do not endorse, nor tolerate, this sort of discrimination.)_

Theradyis was itching to get into a fight. Her temper flared the same way Red Mountain erupted all those years ago. M'aiq on the other hand was trying to get Theradyis away from the guards. If a fight broke out, they would get into serious trouble. Not only with the law, but also with Nocturnal.

They'd finally got a lead on where Tyrannus was at and not to mention they befriended all of the beggars too. Plus, the temple priests declared that they would honored as saints. Not bad for a simple idea. However, these two guards wouldn't leave them alone.

"Yeah, makes you wonder who the real pussy is in this couple, ha!" said the Breton guard.

"You inbred, cousin fu-!" roared Theradyis, but she was interrupted.

A loud clunk sound was generated by the appearance of a tall, powerful, and feminine Orc. How she made this sound is simple enough. She did it by gripping the heads of the guards and slamming them into one another. It didn't kill them, but it certainly worked by rendering them quiet. Still, it was a crime to attack guards. Even if they deserved it.

"You two better come with me." said Khangung quietly.

Speechless, M'aiq and Theradyis went along with it. The three went to the docks as quickly as possible. Wasn't too hard since many of the EETC night watch were laid back and knew Khangung well. In fact, they supported her earlier actions. Many of them being women. It was a sisterhood of sorts.

Once on board the boat and inside the main cabin, the captain introduced herself.

"Saw what you two did earlier today helping the poor and all. So I figured I'd give you two a helping hand. Name's Khangung gra-Nagrom, and I'm the captain of the Heart of Gold." said the captain as she offered them a seat and took her own.

"M'aiq thanks you for your kindness." M'aiq said with relief.

Theradyis was still a bit angry at the guards. She was quiet and steaming until M'aiq forcibly nudged her.

"Huh, oh right!. Sorry, still pissed about those guards. Anyways thank you. I'm Theradyis Alva and it's nice to meet you captain." Theradyis said, rubbing the sore spot on her right forearm.

Theradyis gave a slightly annoyed look to M'aiq. The Khajiit simply rolled his eyes. It wasn't Khajiit nature to tolerate rudeness. Nonetheless, Khangung found it amusing. However, with the Cyrodilic Brandy wearing off, Khangung knew that it would only be a matter of time before the rest of the town guard would come looking for them. After all, it wouldn't take long for other guards to find those two knocked out. Then a shorter time later, the beggars would tell the Guard who did what.

 _To be fair, that last part is what Khangung got wrong. We will very briefly go over what happened immediately after the incident. Two of Solitude's beggars, Noster Eagle-Eye and Svari, decided to further assist the Saints of the Poor.They brought some of the wine and mead they had stashed away from the banquet and planted it on the guards. They even made sure pour some of the alcohol into their mouths. They then alerted some of the more dutiful and kinder guards. The beggars claimed that their drinks were confiscated by those two. Plus, they got drunk and proceeded to harass the Saints. They even directed the nicer, more dutiful, and far more accepting guards to where the bigots laid._

 _When those two wake up in the morning, they will find that: 1.) they are in the dungeon and 2.) they are no long guards of Solitude, and lastly 3.) they will be forced to move back to their backwater homes and marry into their own respective families. True to form. This is why, the Guide strongly advises befriending the beggars._

Khangung thought to herself. Perhaps, this is a chance for her to further redeem herself from her past actions. By helping these two Saints. After getting away from the Cult of Namira, she studied to be a healer with the Temple of Kynareth. Khangung was quite good at it too. With her knowledge of Orcish herbal medicine, Khangung knew of special remedies that greatly expanded what the Temple could do for more severe cases of rockjoint and the like. It wasn't to last as an envious snitch revealed her past to the head priestess.

The 'Whore of Namira' moniker was first used by Danica Pure-Spring, the head priestess herself. Khangung quietly left. A loss to medicine. If it weren't for this, Meeko's owner would have survived.

"Well, since I knocked out those two guards, I think it's best time we headed out. I can take you two anywhere you need to go. Free of charge. Just let me know." said Khangung as she got up to prepare the boat.

"Actually, if you wouldn't mind, we need to go a small cave roughly north of here, called Brinewater Grotto." requested Theradyis.

This was the information that Noster Eagle-Eye had given them. He had saw the Argonian they were looking for swimming that way the previous morning. Theradyis hoped that she and M'aiq would find some clues to Tyrannus's whereabouts. Khangung thought it over. She knew exactly where the cave was. However, it was still in the hold. They could get arrested by the guards if anyone saw them there.

"We really need to leave the hold. I'm sure the guards will come looking for us by daybreak. Before we head out, why is it you two need to go there?" Khangung asked skeptically.

It was true this made her nervous, but Khangung was a woman of her word. She would take them there, but it had be for a good reason.

"Our friend, Tyrannus Rexus is missing, and we have a lead that he was last saw there. We're hoping to find him or a clue about where he may have gone." Theradyis answered, with hope in her eyes.

Khangung's heart sank. This was a good reason, and one she certainly could not refuse. The only doubt she had was if the search took too long and guards found them.

"Alright, but we can only stayed there for a couple of hours. Like I said, the guards will come looking for us by daybreak. If we stayed any longer, it will be too risky." Khangung said sternly.

"Agreed." said Theradyis.

M'aiq silently agreed with this course of action. At the moment he was very tired, and thus allowed Theradyis do all of the talking. At this point, he was just ready to find this old lizard and continue traveling. However, the ordeal so far gave him some good writing material for the Guide.


	6. Various Guide Entries Vol 2

_When you travel in the vast lands of the continent of Tamriel, chances are that you may come across several unique kinds of items. Most are mundane and others are completely extraordinary. Of course, the Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel will provide many entries about some of these items. How helpful these entries are depend on the situation. For some light reading in a nice and cozy inn on the outskirts of Windhelm, then these entries are very helpful. If you are in need of a specific remedy for Falmer poison that got lodged into your body by a crudely made arrow, then perhaps you should not spend your last moments reading a book that would be of no help for this situation. Nonetheless, the Guide is the most well regraded tome on all of manner of items, both normal and magical. So, get to it and good luck!_

 _Calipers:_

 _A tool that are like tongs, but only smaller. However, due to the restriction of trade from Cyrodiil to Skyrim, there appears to be a shortages of these useless trinkets. If you so happen to find a pair while traveling through the snowy mountains of Skyrim, consider yourself the victim of a delusional imagination induced by a frostbitten brain._

 _Sweet Rolls:_

 _It is an important local custom for the various Hold guards to say the following statement:_

" _Let me guess, somebody stole your sweet roll?"_

 _This is most likely due to the high incidence of theft of these simple pastries, especially in the city of Riften. In fact due to this highly sought after prize by thieves, many guardsmen have successfully used local bakeries in their sting operations against the Thieves Guild (which most certainly does not exist!)._

 _According to some sources, such as Barenziah, sweet rolls are the quickest ticket to a thief's ruin. This is so abundantly clear, that the non-existing Thieves Guild refuses to fence them for fear of another sting operation. It also wise to limit consumption of these treats, due to the high amounts of sugar and carbs._

 _In fact, they are the leading cause of diabetes in middle aged, naive, wealthy and arrogant Imperials who have never had the pleasure of doing any hard work. Therefor, if you wish to eat yourself to death through sweet delights, you have been warned. Also, the writers of the Guide will not be held responsible for any illness or death that may arise from such an ordeal._

 _Netch Jelly:_

 _If you plan on consuming this substance it is vital that you have three hours of free time and a bed to lay in. The effect of netch jelly is like having your entire body dip into a vat of the finest Balmora Blue. If you plan on having toast for breakfast, it is equally vital that you do not get netch jelly mixed up with jazbay grape jelly. Although they have the same taste and texture, you'll soon find out why you need three hours and a bed to lay in if you eat toast with netch jelly._

 _Black Soul Gems:_

 _Voted to be the worst way to spend an eternity. The alternative to being bored for all eternity is when some jerk will find the gem your soul is contained in. Then, she or he will use it just to resurrect a chicken. Another alternative is where another jerk will use your soul energy to power some ridiculously enchanted dagger that only seems to work on chickens. Nonetheless, the worst alternative of all, is when yet another jerk uses your soul energy to enchant a suit of armor for...you guessed it...a chicken._

 _If you happen to be the either of these jerks, please do not use the black soul gem to power anything to do with chickens. If you are a chicken, then please disregard this entry._

 _Nirnroot:_

 _The noisiest, glowiest, and the most annoying plant in all of Tamriel! Due to the eruption of Red Mountain in 4E 5, the once rare alchemical ingredient has become extremely common. It's so common that you can't swing a dead skeever without hitting the damn weeds! Therefore it is advised to pick every single nirnroot you come across in order to silence the weeds...permanently! If the weed goes unpicked, the nirnroot will either cause one to lose their hearing or give him/her a ticket straight to the Shivering Isles._

 _Armor:_

 _The most presentable part of being an adventurer. The type of armor you wear says a lot about you. In fact, most guards are able to tell what type of adventurer you are based on your armor alone. Even if you think you are being clever by wearing a helmet that covers your face, those pesky, and sometimes judgmental, guards always seem to know what you're up to._

 _So it is best to wear rather uninteresting and dull armor to slip past them, as the guards will simply ignore it. The best type for this was the so-called "medium" armor. Sadly, it seems that the art of creating such armor was forgotten in the past 200 years or so. Nonetheless, there are two classes of armor: heavy and light._

 _The names of these two classes is obvious enough, and thus the Guide won't go over those details. But rather, this is more about how to choose a good set of armor for your personal preference. It is advisable that less than saintly, and particularly sneaky, people should wear light armor as it allows for greater movement and is very quiet._

 _However, more creative types will try to use purposely smithed and/or enchanted heavy armor instead. Of course, these rather clever people tend to become very disappointed when they have to explain to the guards why he/she had just tried to pickpocket an apple from a shop. Then there is the other extreme._

 _Normally, those who engage in heavy combat and wouldn't give a pair of wolf kidneys about stealth and would wear heavy armor for greater protection. Once again, those really creative and clever people have tried to used light armor. Unlike the stealthy heavy armor, this one could work very well. Assuming you can used speed to your advantage. Unfortunately, this strategy wouldn't work very well against another fast-moving target that is capable of delivering hard-hitting blows. Like a dragon._

 _If you are fortunate, you'd be able to dodge the incoming attacks well enough. However, this fight wouldn't be much of a fight as you would spend the whole ordeal "bobbing" and "weaving", and quite possible other sports terms. To be fair though, you'd have the advantage of being a smaller target. Especially if you have a companion tanking about in heavy armor._

 _As stated above, it seems that in light of these drawbacks, many of the clever and creative types have started to mix and match armor pieces in an attempt to replicate the forgotten medium armor._

 _Once again, it seems that these mismatched sets aren't very effective at anything at all! The unbalanced nature of these attempts is their downfall. Only two combinations come close: wearing a heavy helmet and suit with light boots and gauntlets, or wearing a light helmet and suit with heavy gauntlets and boots. However, these combinations are simply one step away from being one class or the other._

 _Due to these failures, Jarl Balgruuf the Greater has assigned several of the best smiths of Skyrim to research ways to bring back medium armor. So far there hasn't been much progress in this research due to the smiths being reassigned to making armor for the Imperial Legion. This of course has disappointed the smiths as the uncreative and uninspired Imperial Legion has no need for medium armor as they used only heavy and light._

 _After going over this for far too long, it is best that an adventurer chooses an armor set that best suits their needs and overall go with what works. This has been tested and tried for centuries and still holds to be true. You be clever and try something utterly stupid. But if you really want to be clever, then rediscover the almighty medium armor!_


	7. Chapter 5

Chapter Five:

One of the oddest things in all of Nirn is the mysterious artifact known simply as the Pelvis of Pelagius. It is in fact the actual pelvis of Emperor Pelagius Septim III, the Mad Emperor of the Third Era. As a sort of way to honor perhaps the only mortal to come close to his own insanity, Sheogorath honored the former Emperor by using his hip bone as an oddity in The Howling Halls. Some have stated that it is possible that the desecrated royal remains is a symbol of office of sorts. Most scholars agree that the pelvis is just a sick joke of Sheogorath.

The pelvis is like any other mortal pelvis. The pelvis consists of the two hip bones. These bones are connected to each other anteriorly at the pubic symphysis, and posteriorly to the sacrum. Just like all other humanoid pelvises. Except, for one reason or another, it is exceedingly tiny. Very tiny. Smaller than the average hand. Which is tiny for a pelvis. Especially since Pelagius was of average size. And so on.

Nevertheless, it is of some importance as it caused a war in the Shivering Isles. The most destructive conflict ever seen in either Mundus, Aetherius, or Oblivion. Even Mehrunes Dagon, the Daedric Prince of Destruction, took notes on the vast annihilation engulfing the realm.

The War got started for the appropriate reason of that the denizens of the Shivering Isles were looking for the pelvis. It should come as no surprise that no one could find it. This is because Sheogorath took the hip bone with him on his holiday. It is unknown whether Sheogorath did this on purpose or is completely absent-minded of the whole thing. Most likely both in the Mad Prince's case.

This war has no real factions. None at all. It's a free-for-all. Sociopaths, psychopaths, manics, depressives, and manic-depressives are all fighting each other. With no clear goal or objective in mind, it can easily be seen how such destruction came about. Which is something to say when you think about war.

Yet in the dead of night, the Bosmer Dervenin with the hip bone in hand wandered into, of all places, Brinewater Grotto.

"Oh happy days! I have found him! I found him!" said the demented, old wood elf as he approached the center of the cave.

Floating on his back in now even more frigid water was Tyrannus Rexus. He was immobile and stiff with frost lining his exposed paled skin. His eyes were open, but no light was in them. This was the closest to death Tyrannus would ever come close to. The war in his mind was silent, as a frozen brain is hard for Sheogorath to influence. In the very back of his mind, Tyrannus knew that if he wasn't found soon, he couldn't guarantee that this would keep Sheogorath at bay. As fate would have it, now there's one of the Mad Prince's goons attempting to revive him with warm.

Or that would be the case if Dervenin had any rational sense. Instead, the idiot just stood there dancing around clucking like a chicken. Dervenin's antics was so noisy and disruptive, that the nearby horkers awoke. The alpha charged with lumbering movement. A growl and a showing of the set of three horns was more than enough to scare away the old foggy.

The faint amount of awareness that Tyrannus had let out a mental note of relief. The horkers calmed down and went back to sleep. Tyrannus's faint awareness also slipped back into the self induced coma.

The terrified Bosmer scurried away from the mouth of the cave still howling into the night. The crazy old fool would soon forget about this encounter and once again bother the citizens of Solitude with pleas for help. That's the way of insanity for you!

Fortunately, the Heart of Gold was only a quarter-mile from the mouth of the cave. On board the boat, Theradyis and M'aiq spot the cave. The water was shallow, and thus the boat wouldn't be able to get any closer. However, Khangung had a life raft they could use to get to the shore. It would take a few minutes to get it into the water below. The clock was ticking, and they only had an hour and fifty minutes to search before they had to leave.

Theradyis helped Khangung with the raft while M'aiq did some spotting for a safe area to land. Thanks to his nighteye, M'aiq saw that the waterline went into the cave. He also saw footprints on the sandy shore off to the right side of the entrance. He couldn't tell whose footprints those were.

"M'aiq thinks we can go directly into the cave. The water goes directly in. If we are slow, we should be able to get in easy." reported the Khajiit as he went over to help the other two.

"Yeah, should be mostly flat in there. The raft will handle it well. Just be sure to use as little light as possible. We don't need draw any unwanted attention." Khangung said preparing the pulleys.

"Is there any creatures we should be on the lookout for? Like trolls or wolves?" Theradyis asked, securing the ropes to the raft.

"I see horkers in the area a lot. They are known to take shelter in caves at night. So, you may want to take a weapon just in case." Khangung said, finished with threading the pulleys.

"Damn it." Theradyis muttered under her breath.

Without her giant's club, she had no weapon. M'aiq didn't look like he didn't carry any weapons, but he did seem to have some knowledge of magic.

"I take it you don't have a weapon then?" said Khangung with noticeable disappointment.

"I had lost my club earlier in the day." Theradyis said a little bitter as she loaded the suspended raft.

"Hold on one." Khangung said and went back inside the cabin.

Meanwhile, Theradyis and M'aiq finished loading the raft with torches, a few healing supplies, and most importantly Tyrannus's original copy of the Guide. Soon Khangung joined them on the boat and she brought a weapon. The cloudy night prevented the reveal of it, but it soon evident to Theradyis what it was.

Khangung had a crossbow of Dwemer design, but it was heavy. Heavier than normal Dwemer or Imperial crossbows. On its underside was a cylinder that seem to be inserted into the stock of the weapon.

Plus, Theradyis also noticed the bow part was smaller and it was bent back sharply. The bowstring was a wire made of Dwemer metal and tightly locked in place by winch-like device. It was an elegant weapon and Theradyis looked upon it with envious eyes.

"You can borrow it, but you best ensure that it comes back to me in good condition." said Khangung sternly.

Theradyis's eyes widened as she took the weapon in hand.

"I'll be sure to get it back to you soon." said Theradyis in a meek voice.

Khangung simply grunted and step back onto the boat. The idea of lending someone a weapon you barely knew was unheard of. It usually involved some poor sap getting backstabbed. Literally. However, Khangung figured she never used the the crossbow anyway. She didn't expect those two to doublecross her. So, she worked the pulleys and lowered the raft into the water. A vague feeling of doing the right thing crept into Khangung's mind. This was something that seem to be dead for quite some time.

On the raft, Theradyis took her post as the guard while M'aiq rowed the raft into the cave. As stated before, he could see in the dark better. What he saw in the cave was a bunch of sleeping horkers.

"Theradyis, near the back of the cave. There's some horkers." M'aiq whispered.

Theradyis couldn't see them, but she heard them. The loud gurgling snores betrayed their positions. So Theradyis took her position and aimed the crossbow. She held it tightly against her shoulder.

"Okay, I'm ready. Go ahead light a torch." Theradyis whispered back.

M'aiq quickly and quietly picked up one of the torches and lit it. The bright orange glow lit up the interior. There in the back were large, rubbery masses. They were still asleep. The alpha was in the middle. He was the largest one, and he would be Theradyis's target. Reloading took so long that you might as well treat it like a single shot weapon. Still, it was an easy target. Theradyis took aim and fired the weapon.

BUMP!

Something had hit the raft throwing off Theradyis's aim. This in turn caused her to jerk. Which was something that the hair trigger of the crossbow didn't take kindly to. So, the crossbow fired its bolt. Then another. An another. And yet another until Theradyis let go of the trigger. The bolts miraculously landed into the horkers. However, rather than having wounded and angry horkers come after them, blasts of fiery explosions lit up the cave.

Later, the smell of burnt horker meat reached the noses of the shocked pair. Then, something bumped the raft again. This shook the shock from Theradyis and M'aiq. Within seconds, they investigated.

Back on the boat, Khangung saw the flashes of light and heard booming. She was mentally kicking herself. The captain had forgot about the flares she had loaded into the crossbow. Perhaps the brandy she had earlier in the night wasn't quite out of her system yet. However, they still had an hour and a half. However, there was no guarantee that no one else heard the explosions. So, she may have to cut things short.

Fortunately, she saw the raft coming out of the cave. It was too dark to see if they were successful, but it took them a little long to get back to the boat. This in Khangung's mind meant the raft was heavily loaded. They probably found something or someone.

Once the raft got to the boat, Theradyis called out to Khangung:

"WHAT IN OBLIVION DID YOU PUT IN THIS CROSSBOW?!"

Khangung simply shrugged. Next time, she would be sure to unload the flares from it.

Ten minutes later, the raft was secured and it was clear to Khangung quickly that Theradyis and M'aiq found their friend. He was an Argonian, cladded in beat up ebony armor. It looked like he was dead from exposure.

"Do you have any fire salts?" asked M'aiq.

"I don't think fire salts is going to help here." said Khangung as she took his vitals.

Theradyis on the other hand just sat and watched. She wasn't sure if she could do anything. She hoped that all those statements that Tyrannus made about being immortal were true. Tyrannus was nearly frozen solid and he wasn't breathing. If there were any signs of life, they were quickly fading.

Khangung and M'aiq were quickly at work. They had removed the armor and soaked clothing. They had to get him dry and warm. Despite general appearances, Khangung noticed that Tyrannus's eyes responded. This was a very good sign. Not just that he was alive, but his brain was still functional. She could tell by how his eyes moved and followed her movements.

M'aiq listened to his friend's chest. A very, very low thump could be heard.

"There's a heartbeat." said M'aiq as he began making a salve from the fire salts.

"Right, I get the ship out of the area and onto the sea. Theradyis, stay and help your friend." commanded Khangung as she went to the bridge of the ship.

Theradyis perked up and hurried over to M'aiq.

"Okay young one, bring the fire pit over here and light a fire. We need to warm him up. After that, fetch some blankets and the Guide." M'aiq ordered.

Theradyis obeyed without a word and went over to where the bronze colored fire pit was. It was a portable one and Theradyis lifted it. It was as heavy as a horse, but Theradyis managed. The sea was fortunately calm despite the cloudiness. One could imagine how much more difficult this would be if the sea was rough. After a few more power lifts, Theradyis had the fire pit close to Tyrannus and M'aiq.

Back on the bridge, Khangung had managed to catch the wind just right and now they were headed northeast. She quickly locked the wheel and checked the navigation equipment. The compass and astrolabe confirmed the course she had in mind. Dawnstar was currently under Imperial occupation and it was the closest dock to them.

"Dawnstar, here we come." Khangung said to herself.

Meanwhile, Theradyis unpacked her sleeping kit for Tyrannus. The fire she lit took up most of the tinder she had packed in her pack, but it was worth it. Within minutes, Tyrannus was responsive and moving. At first, he was unintelligible, but he motioned for the Guide to be handed to him. M'aiq handed Tyrannus his copy of the Guide and watched as the book glowed a soft red which quickly turned purple, then an icy blue. As time went on, Tyrannus became more aware and back to his usual self.

"I have never been so happy to see your furry face M'aiq!" Tyrannus cried out in a shiver-filled voice.

M'aiq simply sighed relief. Theradyis simply hugged the old lizard.

"It's good to see you too, Theradyis." Tyrannus said returning the hug.

The voice of the Mad Prince was blocked so long as Tyrannus kept his book. As the fondness passed, Tyrannus knew he had hell to pay. The person, or rather Daedric Prince, in question wasn't going to pleased that he went so long without his book. On the other hand, he preferred a harsh mistress at times!

"Where are we?" asked Tyrannus.

"You're on board my boat, the Heart of Gold. I am Captain Khangung gra-Nagrom." Khangung said offering her hand.

"Thank you Captain. What's our heading?" said Tyrannus as he shook her hand.

"Dawnstar. It's the closest port to us. We'll be there by sunrise." answered Khangung.

Tyrannus nodded, and turned to his friends. He could tell they had a slight feeling of dread on their faces. It didn't take long for him to figure out what they were thinking about.

"I'm guessing you two met Nocturnal, didn't you?" Tyrannus asked in a matter-of-fact way.

"Yeah. Um...well...how do I ask this…" Theradyis answered and stuttered on her question.

"M'aiq wants to know too. How long have you been shacking up with Nocturnal?" M'aiq said bluntly.

Tyrannus gave a hesitant look. This was going to be a very long story.


	8. Chapter 6

**A/N: Here's a peek for Chapter Six. At least you'll now know how Tyrannus and Nocturnal hooked up. XD**

Chapter Six:

 _In these dreadful times, there's a whole bunch of flying reptiles hellbent on destroying everything in sight. Sadly, we're not talking about a group of troublemaking, violent Argonian teens who discovered a working Dwemer bomber airship. No, it seems that those ancient creatures the dragons are back in force._

 _Not only mere dragons, but Alduin himself (or herself?) is back. For some reason or another, she or he wants to end the world in a manner similar to how a child wants to eat an entire cake whole. Nevermind the metaphysical stomach ache that would follow such an action. This would be perfectly fine, if it weren't for the fact that all of existence would end. You'd think Lorkhan and Magnus would have put in better countermeasures against such a thing._

 _Due to the poor state of anti-apocalypse mechanisms in the universe, the Chief Divine Akatosh decided that the best (and most likely, laziest) way to deal with these issues would be to grant power to some mortal individuals great power to combat these threats. That way, they can be responsible to save their own world and leave the Divines out of it. Predictable answer coming from an Aedra._

 _So, the last time Alduin and the other dragons were causing trouble, Akatosh invented the role of Dragonborn (or Dovahkiin, which sounds much cooler!). Essentially, a Dragonborn is a mortal someone who has the traits of a dragon (i.e. "dragon blood")._

 _Such as being able to use the Thu'um (which everyone calls "Shouting") and are able to permanently absorb the soul of a slayed dragon (since death is just an inconvenience for dragons). This soul absorption allows the Dragonborn to have all of the knowledge and power of the dragon slain. They can put it good use learning "Words of Power", …. and so on._

 _The Dragonborn is quite a large figure in the lore of Nords. It was not surprising to many that many Nords believed that every Dragonborn in the past was Nordic (or at the very least Nedic), thus lead them into thinking that Nords had a monopoly on the role. However, the legends about this role never made any such claim. While it was true that a few past Dragonborns were Nords, doesn't mean that all of them were. However, the true-believing Nords simply ignored those parts. Much like anyone else who deeply believes in anything and ignores certain "details" (or inconvenient contradictions) in order to maintain said belief._

 _So it came as a shock that the Dragonborn turned out to be an Argonian named Archer. After Helgen was wiped off the map by a fiery and scaly eraser, Archer and his company have been roaming throughout all of Tamriel disposing of dragons in order to the save the world. Much to the annoyance of illiterate, racist, Stormcloak-loving Nords. However, more accepting and tolerating Nords have already began adding Archer and his company to their joyous and prideful, mead induced pub songs. This is one way to ensure immortality without any catches, aside from a drunk pronunciation of your name becoming the standard way of pronouncing it!_

Dawn had arrived at the appropriately named Dawnstar. The seas were calm and the sleepy little town was covered in a fresh layer of snow. It seems that the battle-harden Imperial soldiers were taking a breather after long days of combat. That, or they were in the state of recovering from last night before their commander comes in for inspection.

Nonetheless, Khangung was happy to see a port that wouldn't cause any trouble. At least for now. She still feared that her and her new friends' actions in Solitude would catch up with them. Had she known better, she wouldn't have any reason to worry. Still, the scenic view was inviting and maybe a couple days of rest could be had.

Theradyis, M'aiq, and the now fully recovered Tyrannus soon joined Khangung on the deck. The crisp and chilly air certainly caught their attention. Tyrannus wasn't to keen on the cold, but figured they would entering an inn soon. M'aiq silently muttered to himself about not having wore warmer clothing. Theradyis, on the other hand, wasn't the least bit fazed by the cold. Her wide-eyed expression of seeing the picturesque view was enough to counter the cold breeze. That, or her Nordic ability to resist cold.

"Wow, this place is beautiful." Theradyis managed to get out, still wide-eyed.

"Yes, yes. Very pretty. Now, M'aiq needs to get beside a fireplace before his frostbitten tail falls off." said the shivering Khajiit.

"Try being frozen for awhile, a frostbitten tail would be the least of your worries." Said Tyrannus with an amusing smirk.

M'aiq simply ignored the lizard as he tried to rub his sides to get warm. You'd think with a natural fur coat and heavy robes would be enough to keep him warm. Sadly for M'aiq, this wasn't the case as Dawnstar was the epitome of Skyrim Winters. It was the sort of cold that not only cuts down to the bone, but also keeps you cold like mudcrab meat in a bucket full of frost salts.

"We should be able to stay out of trouble for awhile here." Khangung said after roping the boat up to the dock.

"Well, we're in a different hold. I don't think that they'd care if we hassled a couple of inbred guards back in Solitude." replied Theradyis.

"Don't be too sure about that Theradyis. After all, the Imperials are here. Solitude is their base of operations, and they don't like troublemakers." warned Khangung.

Theradyis didn't think of that. Not to mention the other "crimes" that took place there. However, she decided not to worry. They found Tyrannus and now they just had to meet up with Karliah and, most importantly, Nocturnal. Once they meet up, then it's back to adventuring. However, Theradyis's young mind couldn't help but to ponder over the relationship that Tyrannus had with Nocturnal.

Theradyis went over the story that Tyrannus told her and M'aiq last night:

Apparently, Tyrannus was the Hero of Kvatch. Which M'aiq confirmed, as he and Tyrannus traveled together back then. M'aiq didn't elaborate on why he was so long-lived. After trying to help the remainder of the Imperial Legion control the chaos that occurred during the aftermath of the Oblivion Crisis, they came across a large, ugly, and very scary gate with three heads. This gate was the entrance to the Shivering Isles.

Tyrannus was pulled into the gate, leaving M'aiq behind. There, he was forced to do the bidding of Sheogorath. Tyrannus was meant to defeat the mysterious Jyggalag, who was the original personality of Sheogorath. After supposedly defeating Jyggalag, Tyrannus was going to become the "new" Sheogorath. Thus allowing Jyggalag to be free and be able to once again bring about order to the universe.

However, that was a ruse. It turns out, Sheogorath didn't want to be replaced. He instead trapped Jyggalag and merge his essence into the soul of Tyrannus. Tyrannus and Jyggalag became one and the same. That way Sheogorath could subject the former Daedric Prince of Order to pure insanity. Being merged with a mortal forced Jyggalag into experiencing the torment caused by insanity. Even more cruelly, this mortal would no longer be mortal. When Jyggalag and Tyrannus becoming one, Tyrannus became immortal.

Since time moves differently in the Shivering Isles than it does in Nirn, millenia passed by and the torment never let up. Tyrannus was trapped in this realm, and became a court jester to the Mad Prince. Every passing moment, Sheogorath would relentlessly taunt him and force Tyrannus to do awful things. The mental screams of Tyrannus had echos of a tormented Jyggalag. This brought great pleasure to the Mad Prince. A final victory over the orderly, mathematical, and sensible.

However, there was a light at the end of this maddening tunnel. A connection of sorts. At first, Tyrannus didn't quite understand it. As he was tormented, Tyrannus knew himself to be Jyggalag. Not as a separate personality or a voice talking to Tyrannus mentally. No, they were truly one and the same. Jyggalag and Tyrannus were no longer separate entities. He was the sum of the merger. With this connection, Tyrannus felt a presence of something he recalled as a mortal. Love.

In ages past, Jyggalag was drawn to the Night Mistress. As the Daedric Prince of Order, it was no surprise that the mysterious nature of Nocturnal was something of interest to Jyggalag. Order had no room for mysteries, though it seems that Order would allow for mysteries to be solved. For eons, Jyggalag would lust after the answers that Nocturnal had. At first, Nocturnal paid him no mind.

In fact, she simply ignored the advances of the "Order-Monger". The darkness wasn't something that would be illuminated easily. Yet, Jyggalag's endurance was underestimated. Eventually, Nocturnal decided to toy with the Daedric Prince of Order. She got pleasure out of leading him on. A hint of a clue there, and another here. It was a sort of game to her. Little did she know, that she had forged a connection with Jyggalag. The probing and curious intellect against the veil of the dark and mysterious unknown. This would be expressed in the mortal realm as the pursuit of knowledge.

However, this would prove to be damnning. Jyggalag had to know the answer of Nocturnal's nature. Therefor, he decided to bring about total order to all of the realms. Jyggalag, being the most powerful Daedric Prince at the time, was more than capable of doing this.

This why the other Daedric Princes, Nocturnal included, decided to curse him. If Jyggalag brought about total order, then it is likely they would cease to exist. Thus, the creation of Sheogorath. The rest is history, at least until after Tyrannus was merged with Jyggalag.

When word of this event spread throughout the realms of Oblivion, none of the other Princes cared. Just another mortal plaything for Sheogorath was what most of them thought. Except for Nocturnal. While her toying with Jyggalag was the catalyst that could have brought about the end for the Daedric Princes, she found herself quite bored now.

True, she had her Nightingales, witches, and the Thieves' Guild to amuse her somewhat. These organizations however just weren't enough. When you have to spend an eternity amusing yourself, mortals can only go so far.

So, she decided to subtly look into the fate of Jyggalag. Silently, she entered the realm of insanity and peered upon the tormented…

Words escaped her when she first saw Tyrannus. Nocturnal, through metaphysical and quasi-psionic means, saw the now composited figure. There was no distinction between the two. He was just this being. The pained look in the eyes of the Argonian figure was strong enough to make the Night Mistress weep. Never before had a Daedric Prince perceived the way a mortal perceived. No, this wasn't something Nocturnal was expecting nor could she grasp. Guilt.

At first Nocturnal was thinking about turning away, but something changed inside of her. She couldn't shake these… emotions…

It was funny how mortals cared about these petty things. They go about their whole, short lives somewhat ruled by these pathetic notions. Yet, here she was, the Lady of Darkness was coming to terms with the connection. Nocturnal hatched a plan to free this being. It was rather embarrassing for her, but it left Sheogorath distracted long enough for her to sneak out Tyrannus to her realm.

Of course, everyone in the Shivering Isles would have fond memories involving a contest between Sheogorath and Nocturnal that ended with a nude Night Mistress in front of a bunch of crazed, teenage Breton roleplayers who were doomed to be virgins. Sheogorath certainly knew of creative ways to drive mortals crazy.

Nonetheless, she was successful. The feelings still bothered Nocturnal, but with the rescue of Tyrannus they had subsided to a degree. Saving the guy wasn't enough however. The connection formed from the mutual actions of herself and Jyggalag. Even though Jyggalag was no more his former self, this connection was still there and it was reinforced by the former mortal's psyche. Reinforced, and augmented.

Jyggalag's intense interest in Nocturnal was filtered through Tyrannus's mind as passionate love. This was transferred to Nocturnal through the connection. She too, now felt passion the way mortals do. It didn't take long for the two to embrace these feelings.

Nocturnal actually preferred Tyrannus. The domineering need for order wasn't strongly present and it seems that he just accepted her as a mystery. Just as many mortals do. Tyrannus was simply drawn to her out of gratitude and the beautiful sternness Nocturnal displayed. The need for order had evolved into appreciation and acceptance for the nature of things. That's something Nocturnal shrove for, even before all of this. To be simply accepted as a mystery.

Unfortunately, it wasn't to last. The Mad Prince soon began to remotely invade the mind of Tyrannus. It was part of Sheogorath's plan. True he was distracted by Nocturnal's ploy. It was a lovely little contest, and he genuinely won just like all of the other contests he's had with the other Daedric Princes. However, he soon sought out his jester. It wasn't wise to steal from Sheogorath.

The former Hero of Kvatch and the former Daedric Prince of Order was his plaything. While mentally eavesdropping on the couple's talks and love making, Sheogorath found out about the connection. There, the Mad Prince found opportunity.

It started with a nightmare, if it could be called that. Uncontrollably, Tyrannus caused Evergloam to light up, figuratively and literally. This threatened to destroy Nocturnal and her realm. So to prevent this and save her lover as well, Nocturnal sent Tyrannus to Nirn through Ebonmere. It was one of the few places she could roam physically in the mortal plane. While saved her realm and herself, Nocturnal needed to find a means to save Tyrannus. Thus, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel_ was conceived.

The Guide provided a means for Tyrannus to remain sane by tapping into Jyggalag's need for order. By going about exploring and adding entries into the guide, Tyrannus would be performing the role of Jyggalag. However, this need would be fulfilled imperfectly since the mortal fallibility within Tyrannus would render him incapable of finishing the book. The immortal Argonian would roam Nirn, recording anything and everything down into the book.

The best part was the Guide could be duplicated by mortal magicka, and thus bring "order" by providing information to mortals. In a way, allowing for the former Jyggalag to succeed in his former quest to bring total order. Plus, it allowed for Tyrannus to make a living by publishing.

There was a catch, but not a negative one per se. In order to grant such an artifact, Nocturnal had to make a contract with Tyrannus. Much like she would with mortals she favored. However, this contract was one of a kind. It was the most powerful due to the fact that Tyrannus was essentially a Daedric Prince.

The order of magnitude of this unique contract was light years above even the most powerful contract Nocturnal she ever made with a mortal. This granted her a nearly unlimited power boost. At the same time, the contract was also unique in being extremely simple: all Tyrannus had to do was be Nocturnal's lover for all of eternity.

However, before the finality could be made in the ritual to bring _The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel_ into existence, Sheogorath sent a subtle and maddening quill pen into the Shrine of the Ebonmere. The enchanted quill would write upon the contract another catch: Tyrannus had to keep the Guide with him at all times. Otherwise, Sheogorath can invade his mind and wreak havoc. Despite this, Nocturnal ensured that her Nightingales would intervene if such an occurrence happened. Thus, foiling Sheogorath for the most part. The Mad Prince still got amusement either way...

Theradyis, was astounded by the story. It explained a lot about Tyrannus, and it now made it clear why Nocturnal was distressed over him being without his book and lost. All of this was unheard of for a Daedric Prince to do, but considering how things were going it was par the course. Theradyis took it in stride as she stepped off the boat and onto to the dock. She gripped her copy of the Guide in her hands. The young Nord was determined to contribute to the book by exploring.

Theradyis was joined by Tyrannus and M'aiq and they headed to the nearby inn. Khangung on the other hand finished up docking _The Heart of Gold_. She would join them shortly at the inn to await Karliah to meet with them.


	9. Various Guide Entries Vol 3

**A/N: Management would like to apologize for the extremely long wait, and here are the overdue Guide entries. I would like to thank everyone for your patience and for the lovely review and favorites. Please enjoy!**

 _As with all things, the old pharse 'Knowedge is Power' is one of the notions that_ _ **The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel**_ _loves to endorse. Despite the fact that much of the Guide would be considered "useless knowledge". However, the authors of the Guide would like to point out to those nay-sayers that they are wrong in two respects: 1) The knowledge contained, while mostly inaccurate, is totally entertaining, and 2) If playing a game of trivia with companions in a pub over several rounds of mead, no one would be sober enough to correct you. Thus you would win by default, assuming you're a little soberer than the rest._

 _Swords:_

 _Swords have a long history according to the_ _ **Traveler's Guide to the Empire**_ _. On the other hand,_ _**The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel**_ _has this to say about swords: Swords are long and pointy metal sticks with a sharp edge. Swords come in two styles: one-handed and two-handed, depending on how much the wielder wishes to compensate themselves (most of whom are insecure males). However, despite this mostly unconscious need for compensation, swords are very useful at stabbing and slashing things. Particularly if the one using it knows how to use it._

 _It usually takes years to fully understand and master the art of sword fighting. Unfortunately, there are some who think they could think they can take a big, long greatsword and use the size of the weapon to make up for any lack of skill. This is typically put to shame whenever someone who actually knows how to use a sword. It gets even better when the said person uses a smaller sword and defeats the incompetent fool. Sometimes, the winner will even dual wield. At this point is when most people would agree that the winner is now just showing off._

 _Nonetheless, once these skirmishes are finished, the winner generally will say something to the spouse of the loser that is generally along the lines of 'I can guarantee greater endurance in battle.' No one is really sure what the winner means but seems to always bring a rather large smile to the frustrated spouse of the loser. This also brings the loser to terms about his/her incompetence. Or a rage-filled retreat, usually taking the spouse forcibly in tow. That is if he/she is still alive!_

 _Giants:_

 _Giants are big. They are really big. You just won't believe how mind-bogglingly big they are. When they are not knocking curious onlookers into low orbit, giants tend to their domesticated mammoths and build, obviously, large campsites. These large campsites are easily found day or night thanks to the equally large and bright bonfires that usually sit in the center of the camps. The fires are so large that they cause much concern amongst the citizens of Whiterun. Namely that accidental wildfires usually stemmed from an absent-minded giant who had rather unusual thoughts about the female mammoth he was tending to._

 _To date, no one has ever recorded the sighting of a female giant. Nor is it known if these beings have language, either spoken or written. Most attempts to figure out these mysteries usually ended badly for the researcher who attempts to do close up studies. As mentioned earlier, this involves an importeau journey to the stars. One researcher by the name of Orin Tavius managed to figure out a way to survive the journey and thus use the giants' usual mode of greeting someone to study the stars in person._

 _Tavius had created an enchanted suit of sealed armor which would allow him to survive the blow of the giant's club and the lack of an atmosphere in low orbit. The suit cost an entire mage's salary back in the days when the Empire actually funded magical research. Everything worked accordingly, and Tavius even made it into low orbit._

 _While on the edge of space for about an hour, Tavius wrote down everything he saw in a journal. He planned on publishing this and thus began to make sense of this new field of magicka research. Sadly, this account of the stars was lost when Orin Tavius forgot to account for the amount of heat produced by the friction of reentry._

 _Nonetheless, giants are still very big and not even aware of their own strength. So perhaps it was best that giant-propelled spaceflight was abandoned!_

 _Dogs:_

 _The only unquestionably loyal companion one can have so long as she/he treats them well. This is because dogs are partially intelligent and partially simple-minded. They are intelligent because they usually know better than to bite the hand that feeds them. However, they are simple-minded due to being unable to perform the complex thoughts required in betraying people. Unless they happen to be shapeshifting Daedra, but that's not the point here._

 _Overall, dogs are loyal and have amusing habits such as chasing their own tails, attempting to eat rather nasty things, barking at any sound in the middle of the night, and always needing to lick their genitals. If you are willing to put up with these annoying behaviors, then it is wise for you to get a dog._

 _If you are a Khajiit, it is advisable that you were raised around dogs since birth. For unknown reasons, it seems that Khajiit have a general distrust for dogs. For Khajiit who have never been around dogs, they very much become extremely fearful when a dog begins barking. This fear is so great, that even fully grown, adult Khajiit will run up the nearest tall object, say a tree for example._

 _The best-known example of this was when a Khajiit diplomat was visiting the court of one of the many nobles of High Rock (though no one can seem to remember which kingdom and who was the noble). The noble in question had a very large and well-loved Great Dane named Kasper._

 _Unfortunately, the Khajiit diplomat had never known that dogs even existed. However, once greeted by the nearly horse-size dog, the diplomat scurried his way up the highest tower's spire. It took several hours to bring the poor soul down. Though some say, it required the use of a paralysis spell and a cart full of hay. Luckily, the war was avoided between Elsweyr and the unnamed kingdom._

 _Nonetheless, if you wish to get a dog, by all means, do so. Just be aware and mindful that some of your Khajiit friends may end up in very high places!_

 _Dragonborn:_

 _In these dreadful times, there's a whole bunch of flying reptiles hellbent on destroying everything in sight. Sadly, we're not talking about a group of troublemaking, violent Argonian teens who discovered a working Dwemer airship bomber. No, it seems that those ancient creatures, the dragons, are back in force._

 _Not only mere dragons but Alduin himself (or herself?) is back. For some reason or another, she or he wants to end the world in a manner similar to how a child wants to eat an entire cake whole. Nevermind the metaphysical stomach ache that would follow such an action. This would be perfectly fine if it weren't for the fact that all of existence would end. You'd think Lorkhan and Magnus would have put in better countermeasures against such a thing._

 _Due to the poor state of anti-apocalypse mechanisms in the universe, the Chief Divine Akatosh decided that the best (and most likely, laziest) way to deal with these issues would be to grant some mortal individuals great power to combat these threats. That way, they can be responsible to save their own world and leave the Divines out of it. Predictable answer coming from an Aedra._

 _So, the last time Alduin and the other dragons were causing trouble, Akatosh invented the role of Dragonborn (or Dovahkiin, which sounds much cooler!). Essentially, a Dragonborn is a mortal someone who has the traits of a dragon (i.e. "dragonblood") such as being able to use the Thu'um (which everyone calls "Shouting") and are able to permanently absorb the soul of a slain dragon (since death is just an inconvenience for dragons). This soul absorption allows the Dragonborn to have all of the knowledge and power of the dragon slain. They can put it to good use learning "Words of Power", ... and so on._

 _The Dragonborn is quite a large figure in the lore of Nords. It was not surprising to many that many Nords believed that every Dragonborn in the past was Nordic (or at the very least Nedic), thus leading them into thinking that Nords had a monopoly on the role. However, the legends about this role never made any such claim. While it was true that a few past Dragonborns were Nords, doesn't mean that all of them were._

 _However, the true-believing Nords simply ignored those parts. Much like anyone else who deeply believes in anything and ignores certain "details" (or inconvenient contradictions) in order to maintain said belief._

 _So it came as a shock that the Dragonborn turned out to be an Argonian named Archer. After Helen was wiped off the map by a fiery and scaly eraser, Archer and his company have been roaming throughout all of Tamriel disposing of dragons in order to save the world. Much to the annoyance of illiterate, racist, Stormcloak-loving Nords._

 _However, more accepting and tolerating Nords have already begun adding Archer and his company to their joyous and prideful, mead induced pub songs. This is one way to ensure immortality without any catches, aside from a drunk pronunciation of your name becoming the standard way of pronouncing it!_

 _Ideal Masters:_

 _Should you somehow find yourself in the Soul Cairn (the realm where souls trapped in black soul gems go), do not by any means talk to the large crystalline structures who run the place. These bloated magical beings are so hungry for soul energy that they will do just about anything to acquire it._

 _Anything, that is, through trickery. So no matter what these giant, fat, and ugly soul gems tell you,_ _ **do not**_ _make any deals with them. They will screw you over. This has happened to many necromancers who wanted to achieve great power only to find themselves polishing the lazy, dinosaur-sized gemstones._

 _A long time ago, they were mortal sorcerers who figured out how to become immortal and obese with soul energy thanks to their research into necromancy. Once these masters of magicka were transformed into an "ideal" state of being, they then took over management of the Soul Cairn in order to continuously feed on the buffet of damned souls._

 _Despite their great wealth of magical power, the Ideal Masters are incredibly stingy with it. They are more stingy with their power than even the Daedric Princes. At least most mortals are vaguely aware that they could get screwed over by a Daedric Prince, and sometimes the Princes are fair and fulfill their end of whatever deal that was made._

 _Depending on the Daedric Prince in question, these fair deal results can range from being a rare occurrence to commonplace. Still, there is a bit of likelihood that a deal with a Daedric Prince will go the mortal's way._

 _The Ideal Masters on the other hand, well it's just best not to make any deal with them. They will screw you over. Not only that, but there is always some sort of subtle detail they conveniently leave out, even if you manage to ask good questions that are able to trap most con artists._

 _The hungry for souls is too great for them to even consider making a fair deal. Nearly all the time, the benefactors of the deal are the Ideal Masters. With that said, these overgrown, gem-like, greedy bastards are simply that. Overstuff, soul-eating con artists!_

 _Alchemy:_

 _There are four ways to get a potion and/or poison:_

 _1) Buy one from a merchant. Which has the advantage of being prepared accurately, but could be expensive._

 _2) Steal one from a merchant. Which is free, but with the added difficulties of sneaking around and law enforcement._

 _3) Find one at random during your various adventures. Which is free, legal, and possibly fun. Catch to this method is that it is totally unreliable due to that pesky facet of reality called "chance". Also, it could be highly dangerous._

 _4) Make it yourself! This has the advantages of all the above, but you need to get ingredients. Fortunately, the same four methods for acquiring potions/poisons applies to the gathering of ingredients._

 _If you're going with option four, congratulations! You're practicing alchemy! Potions and poisons, which are confusingly collectively called "potions" are produced as a result of mixing various ingredients in an alchemical lab. However, this practice is considered to be the number one cause of house fires due to there being few alchemists willing to adhere to strict safety requirements._

 _Alchemy came about due to a poor farmer having to tend to less-than-fertile land. He noticed that the weeds that continuously plagued his small amount of food corps had magical properties and thus an industry was born. This is the traditional origin of the practice anyways. They are a few detractors who instead think that the Deadric Prince Sanguine was responsible. They hypothesize that Sanguine lost a bet with Sheogorath, and thus had to go sober for a month. Being desperate for an alcohol substitute, Sanguine tried everything to feed his addiction. Eventually after a few hundred pints of Nordic mead and Cyrodilic brandy, Sanguine realized that this whole alchemy thing could be used to mess around with mortals._

 _Whatever the true origin of alchemy one thing is certain, at all costs never ever agree to be an amateur alchemist's test subject!_


End file.
